cockback

What is it with fucking cycling? Its become all popular and trendy to cycle these days, when I was a kid I always found the idea of grown ups on bikes rather silly, except when my dad cycled to the pub of an evening of course.

Now I’m one, puffing my sweating red face through the streets of London, putting my life in genuine danger, much more so than riding the fucking wheels off my black bitch, and deliberately hurting myself. Cycling is ridiculous, sort of thing one expects in the third world from Johnny Foreigner but over here we have cars and motorcycles, vans, lorries and Foxtons cunt-mobiles, so why do it?

I cycle for one reason alone -and its arguable I’m actually benefiting in this respect either after all, London isn’t well versed in clean air. I do it to keep my toe dipped in the water of life, to stop my trembling gut from spilling over on to my flys, to prevent my legs from looking like old man Steptoe getting out of a tin bath in the yard.

Obviously the environment is benefiting by my vanity but I’m hardly Mr. Carbon Footprint in the first place. Being a chap who likes to have a jolly good night out and still maintaining the bare bones of responsibility, getting fucked out of your barnet and operating heavy machinery have never been bedfellows. I use The Tube more than my black bitch purely because of drinking and I cycle because I don’t want to look like the BBC’s John Sargeant… Is Piqued saying that drinking and vanity are good for the planet? If we were all just that little bit more pissed, we’d be forced onto public transport or the pavements? Perhaps a bit more self-obsessed we’d get on our pushbikes and ride? I fucking is saying that, yeah. Vote for me *burp* then look at my legs.

I had a nice if not mildly obsessive night in last night. I ate sausages in mash with fart generating sprouts and popped a few cans of Carlsberg into my face. There was an excellent documentary on photography on BBC4 and I took a long fat bath with Radio 4 steaming gently in the background like a freshly boiled egg.

In recent weeks I’ve been sporting an immature beard, I was rather pleased with its progress and decided to make some minor alterations after getting out of the bath. Within 15 minutes the sink looked like Prince and most of the fucking thing was off my face, I was rather annoyed by this and was forced to make amends by having another can of beer. I then remembered the fucking clocks change over the weekend plunging us into permanent darkness for 5 cunting months. So I had another.

Busy weekend again, I’ll spill the 57 Varieties on Monday. I’ll be in a dreadful mood, I hate it when the clocks change, I really do. In the meantime it’s the Friday list a hilarious encounter with humanity at its most raw and uncensored followed by a double bill of choons 4 u. Nice weekends all, rubber up yeah. Don’t forget the fucking clocks change by the way.

(Actually, there is some really nasty stuff in this list. Sincerely, if you’re one of those people looking for kiddie stuff, do us all a favour, slash up your knackers and die)

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Yesterday
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2007-10-24
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2007-10-23
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2007-10-22
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2007-10-21
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2007-10-20
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grundy monday

Ray left at some point yesterday morning to go to work, the poor sod, he and I got back home so late it was the next day, sun up birds fucking tweeting… Jesus. I think we tried to drink some more beer but I was now muttering utter drivel. I can recall Ray asking me if I was all right. I was, just wankered

The previous evening I’d met up with my bro in the usual boozer that we frequent on a Sunday, it was 6-ish and we had a pint before being joined by Ray. We had a hilarious chat about onanism made more poignant as the subject is somewhat taboo, off topic as it were, and realising that men operate in very similar ways, in ways most women wouldn’t quite understand, resulted in childish giggles from the back of the pub. The place was rammed as usual with a good ratio of fine women to twattish rugger types. Our conversation required gestures and we were ignored, not unsurprisingly.

At about 8 we three hopped on the tube, one stop south to attend an old mates birthday party. On arrival we were greeted by a pair of bemused European girls and led to the garden where a few guests we sat around a table and a mountain of food and drink. The evening began sedately, my bro and I chatted, we were introduced to the guests and gradually I hit form, largely due to this dreadful moonshine that tasted like poison and had an instant effect on my balance. I was also drinking wine and later beer, I think. I assume I behaved myself because the host of the party, Rick who is teetotal, emailed me to invite me on the motorcycle ride we’d discussed that evening. The spirit was willing but the flesh was still soaked, I was forced to decline on grounds of common sense. The evening passed swiftly, I had no desire to leave, besides I was nattring to a Polish girl with broken English and enchanting eyes. I think I invited her back to my flat being a bit pissed out of my head. Rick was very encouraging in suggesting that would be bad, ‘She’ll never leave!’ he kept saying, I took heed of his advice for a while, until she spat on the ground. For some reason a revolting part of psyche opened up, I found this single action very appealing. I need to try and work out the source of this… or perhaps see a doctor.

The weekend got off to a fine start. After work I hooked up with Frank and we had a few pints in the local. Mercifully the place wasn’t jammed full of no necked skins for the football as, apparently, it was a ‘friendly’ whatever the fuck that means. At around 8 he and I walked to a mates house. We didn’t stay long but got incredibly stoned on this hybrid weed. My mate was regaling us with tales of his youth, drinking heavily and having punch ups outside the local, Frank sarcastically referred to them as ‘salad days’ and I had to bite my lip as I don’t think the comment went down well and one of us chuckling was enough. I was so stoned that on leaving my mouth took on an inane grin, my vision tunnelled and I began to feel the dawning of a trip. Frank was in a similar state. I’ve no idea what the fuck he was saying, or I for that matter, but we were laughing so hard to neither of us could walk in a straight line and on occasion we were forced to physically stop.

I said goodbye to Frank at the junction and we wobbled off to our respective homes. The world smelt of baked beans and vinegar and my legs weighed 10 stone each, by the time I got to the top of my street I could barely walk. I was still grinning like a mental patient when out of the blue, quite literally, I was hit on the side of the face by some behemoth insect, I screamed and flayed my arms about before collecting myself, much to the amusement to a passing couple on the other side of the road. I say amusement, it may have been concern.

Saturday morning I was up early and remarkably clear headed. I made some tea and then Myfwt turned up. She was looking fabulous as usual and no sooner had she parked herself on the sofa, Swineshead turned up too. It was very peculiar, us 3 occupying a part of the day that is normally swallowed up by sleep sat around chatting about Reggae Sauce among other things. It’s been one of those weekends where everything seems to have been funny. Essentially for one hour we just laughed, nearly all the quips were off colour in some form or another but it made for a lively start to day. After Swineshead breezed off I walked Myfwt to her car, got a paper and returned home for a much needed poo. Even that was funny.

I got up on Sunday after 2; I was enormously hungover and missed the Moto GP much to my annoyance. I spent the day in a malaise of writing, lolling about, reading and burping the worm. I ate a kipper with some toast and it did something to take the edge of my illness, as did a bath later. I’d made the decision to not drink that evening so I wrote some more and watched Big Brother, which I’ve reviewed on WWM (link to the right kids, go there after this).

The highlight of the evening was to the 7 Ages of Rock as they were doing punk. What a disappointment, more than that, they ignored some fundamental acts. Firstly, Iggy and The Stooges got a mention whereas they should’ve been given a segment, same with CBGB, the birthplace of punk, we were treated to one shot of a closed venue. It was here that Malcolm Mclaren saw The Ramones and Television prior to returning to London and forming the Pistols. This wasn’t clear; punk was an American invention, however that sticks in my throat. Also some credit to should’ve made to Blondie who managed to take punk into the mainstream, Debbie Harry herself was a key player in the development of the movement, yet all this was ignored. Even the actual shows theme tune musicians The Damned were given the bird save one tiny fragment of footage.

Still it wasn’t all bad, The Ramones got a fair chunk but even this was cut dead by too much irrelevant Pistols footage, the Bill Grundy incident for example, if I remember it was Grundy that got the blame for what happened, it wasn’t a big deal, it was a cheap early evening programme on ITV that clashed with the news on BBC.

All in all the programme was a mess, worst so far. They’d better not balls up Heavy Metal or I’ll start writing offensive letters to the beeb.

I’m a work, I’ve no hangover but I’m tired… actually if the BBC can’t be pissed I’ll do it.

Nice boys too, Captain Sensible is running for parliament at the mo, I shit you not yeah