bull league-erd

Yesterday had two highlights, the food at the restaurant for lunch where my boss and I met a client and the big fat cunt that works here falling on her elephantine arse. Please, please let me indulge you.

Lately she’s been worse than normal, obviously I’m not involved in any of this, she drew the line in the sand on day one and I’m delighted to have nothing whatsoever to do with the bovine harridan. So I watch from the comfort (and safety) of my desk, really you don’t want to be stood in the way of that lump of gristle when it’s about to charge, she’s a hair trigger temper at the best of times, in one instant this place can shift from a quiet friendly office to a the streets of Pamplona.

I’ve also deduced that the red scowling face isn’t due to her carrying about a vast quantity of big boned-ness, I know plenty of large people, my own sister isn’t exactly what one would describe as svelte, and they don’t bear the perpetual visage of furious crushed raspberries. I reckon she likes a drink, a lot. This may or may not have been borne out yesterday when I watched her try to park in an office chair, I observed in fascination as she failed to grasp the arms of the chair just as her behemoth backside fired the wheeled seat away from her descending frame, rather like Roger Federer returning a volley, resulting in her lowering into woefully inadequate thin air. The expression of shock as she realised she was going to fall had already caused me to explode in laughter, this wasn’t curbed but the inevitable crash on the deck and the rear roll as gravity followed through, whilst she stoically clung onto the expression of abject shock until coming to rest in a position of magnificent indignity. It was comedy gold to such an extreme I got a heavy dick, the collective sigh of concern from the girls in the office merely added fuel to my hysterics, I had to actually go under my desk to calm myself down and thereby avoid accusations of warped Schadenfreude.

I had Lamb Kofta for lunch, incidentally.

Actually there was a third highlight; my mate James and his wife had their first kid, he was born yesterday afternoon by caesarean and weighed in at an impressive 6lbs. One more of us, one less of them.

After yesterdays surprisingly successful meeting I got back in the office and caught up on emails left by clients and friends alike. The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, tonight I’m meeting a whole rainbow of mates in Soho for drinks, some of which I’ve not seen in months and on Sunday Myfwt and my dad and I are off to Brands Hatch to watch the last round of the British Superbikes. Like the F1 the championship is going right to the wire, odds on to win is the hugely talented and unpredictable Japanese rider Ryuichi Kiyonari. Whatever happens, watching a load of chaps wringing the fucking shit out of hugely powered motorcycles is sight and sound nirvana. They’re showing it on TV, who knows, you may spot me in the crowd.

The usual Friday list followed by our final offing by The Anti-Nowhere League, well sort of, Metallica doing ‘So What’ (there is a version with Animal from the league playing with them here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKtG2ApixAg but it won’t up load on Piqued) this only leaves me to wish you all a jolly weekend.

(what the fuck is a ‘cunt shave bank’?)

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“lewis hamilton” smoker

shiqued

My guts are rotten today; I only had a croque monsieur with some cucumber and tomato late last night, it landed on top of a few pints of fizzy fucking lager following a hilarious trip out with my bro to the hostility in Clapham what I bangs on about on occasion.

Anyway, the upshot, or the outshit, of this is brown fire, I feel dreadful and, as I write this, the experience is quid’s on for repetition. This would be bad enough as it is but in an hours time I’ve got to go into the city with my boss for lunch with a client to negotiate a fucking contract. If one were to put elements as far away from my true self as possible, religion, dance music, teetotalism, ITV, then ‘negotiate a contract’ would be the furthest away. It’s not me, I don’t like it, I don’t want to go, I feel ill, are we nearly there yet.

I’m sat at my desk wearing my smart clothes, black shirt, brown pinstripe trousers and posh boots, my stomach boiling as I perspire gently wondering when I’m going to be dragged by my nipsy into the small room.

Short one today as I have to do work things before I fuck off out of it until the afternoon, console yourselves with more from The League and a WWM, link over there ————>

gay beard

Until yesterday night at 11.42pm I had a beard.

Through my late teens to my late 20’s I had a beard, it varied in length and precision cuts were made into its basic shape, but essentially, Piqued, in addition to his long hair, was known casually as Jesus-Man. Then one day, just to see how my face looked without it, I shaved it off in bits until a fucking great Maris Piper with piss-hole eyes was staring back at me in utter horror.

Early last week I made the decision to grow it back properly, not just sport tuffs of chin weed or sideboard runs, no, a fucking beard, maybe work into it in a month or two but get it on first. It was looking great last night when after half a bottle of Claret I decided to tweak a rogue hair -half an hour later all I was left with were my fucking sideboards and extreme rage.

OCD you see, it’s just there for the moving furniture and stuff about until it’s in its optimum position, no, it works on the face too.

Tried doing some work on the second book last night and I’ve decided it’s like my second tattoo. The first book was pondered and mulled over for nearly 15 years before anything happened, where’s this one only germinated as an idea in the spring and already I’ve something to show for it. The second Tattoo is better too so I hope my simile retains its integrity.

As I was waking up this morning I heard more about the ongoing suggestion that taking the piss out of someone for their sexual orientation would be, as seen in the eyes of the law, as bad as calling a black person a nigger. The fuzzy logic which is leading towards such fucking nonsense must be along the lines of ‘well you can’t chose the colour of your skin anymore than one can chose ones sexual orientation’. Which is of course true. But the two things are a million poles apart.

What the fuck is going on here? Has everyone had a sense of humour failure? If I go up to a black man and call him a nigger then I get what I deserve, similarly if I approach a homosexual and call him a faggot. But what if I make comments that imply a person is gay by saying he’s ‘good with colours’ a ‘puddle jumper’ ‘doesn’t follow Rugby’ etc? New legislation would make quips such as that an offence, therefore if a gay man calls me ‘darling’ (and they do, gays) surely I could do him for discrimination as he’s mocking my heterosexuality? There is a big difference between pulling someone’s leg over stereotypes (everyone is a fucking stereotype to someone) and another to be a hateful cunt.

Christ, when you got Christopher Biggins on Radio 4, whose gayer than Marc Almond crocheting a tea cosy in Madam Jo Jo’s, squealing out against the proposed law calling it draconian and fundamentally preposterous you suddenly realise that it’s a lot more dangerous than it initially sounds, think about it.

Oh, Friday night I get a text from my brother, as he was leaving work he bumped into a chap, instead of saying ‘sorry buddy’ or ‘sorry dude’, it came out as ‘sorry daddy’… Christ. The fucking shame…

This is a lovely little ditty, do turn it up. Many thanks (hilarious introduction)

nowhere kipperz

When I arrived at the Royal Festival Hall it was already dark. As I went in to the main entrance I recalled an earlier happier time when I went to see Motorhead with Myfwt and Jamie, you may have even read about it right here.

I found my way to the function room and walked in due, due to the clement October weather I suddenly realised that I was perspiring like a fucking pig just as a room roomful of total strangers gave me the once over simultaneously. A rivulet of syrupy sweat raced down my cheekbone and disappeared behind my jaw. Where the fuck was my client? I scanned the room dead casual like, I stepped back towards the bar area nearly sending a tray of drinkies over some big mouth berk giving it large on corporate responsibility. I grabbed a drinkie, nice drinkie, and drained it.

Standing in a room full of strangers that you’ve been invited to associate with is very peculiar. You have one thing in common with each and every one which forces you into a corner, either one makes oneself known to them as they’ve clearly noticed you (‘who was the sweaty cunt who nearly threw the shampoo over Brian?’ Etc.,) or one courts attention by looking wistfully out of the window as if trying to recall romantic poetry. I did both; the wistful window shit can only work for a few minutes, as can fiddling with your mobile suavely ‘reading’ non-existent text messages from all of your high-powered associates, so I was forced to hover round a bloke who looked liked he’d had a few and get in there. He was blabbing away to 3 subservient business types, I reasoned that if I targeted the mouthpiece he’d be forced to pass on my gratuities to his audience thus rolling the social ball. As he was pausing for breath I jumped in, introducing myself and reaching out a clammy paw in one badly coordinated move, he looked momentarily startled before suspiciously shaking my hand with a visage of abject confusion. As if cued in by Peter Hall my client appeared, ‘oh, I was just about to introduce you…’ she said to both of us. I was in.

Being much smaller than the Albert Hall, the Festival Hall space is much more intimate, ‘thanks’ to my client I was very close to the orchestra. It was only when I was taking my seat I discovered my ticket had cost fucking £75. To make matters worse I’d also been given a ticket for my un-guest, I’d forgotten to tell them Myfwt was away, which was rather embarrassing. £75 down the pan right there, well at least it wasn’t my money. Easy come easy go, eh…

The Chicago Symphony orchestra are reputed to be one of world’s best, the conductor I was informed, is a genius, my boss had earlier informed that he had a reputation for being a right cunt too. Either way, none of this meant anything to me; I was about to lose over two hours of my life. Of course I tried to get into it, concentrate on what was happening, offset the yawn factor with the visual experience when what I was hearing got dull and vice versa. Nothing helped, not even the bloke playing the Clarinet who went the colour of a ripe Strawberry every time he put the reed to his fat lips. After the first movement of Tchaikovsky’s 6th I was in a fucking coma, the disgusting coordinated coughing and hacking from the so-called posh when there was a break between pieces pulled me back from the brink of death, I’ve seen better manners in anal porn.

After what seemed like weeks there was a break, I nipped off for a fag and a slash and got back to the function room in time to drink some fruity fucking cocktail thing. The second half was due to be shorter; shame the booze wasn’t helping speed things up a bit. I returned to my seat, the conductor ponced back on with his nose in the air and initiated another archaic drone from his underlings. Christ, I’ve not been as bored as this since got so ill I couldn’t get up to turn off Country File, another piece finished, cue a bust of fucking hacking, and off we were again, the final piece, the home straight at last. It went on for ages and bloody ages until, suddenly a burst of applause signalled the end.

Oh Joy! I clapped for my life, the conductor pointed at members of the orchestra who he thought deserved adulation, the egomaniacal wanker, and they dutifully stood to swelling cheers and shout of ‘bravo’ Then they all stood up and the conductor bowed, he glided out the room with his head held high, the applause continued, some cunt shouted ‘more’, ‘no way motherfucker’ I thought, this gig’s scheduled to finish at 9.30, it was 9.30! Ha! I clapped harder, the conductor came on again to receive more adulation, he fucking loved himself, and then off he went again. The applause was unbroken; I waited for it to die down before leaving like a scalded rat, but the clapping had seemed to intensify, surely they weren’t hoping for an enc… Oh Christ no.

To my horror the conductor called for calm and addressed the audience. I couldn’t make out what he was saying, I was praying he’d just keel over, but I heard the word ‘Schubert’ and before I’d a chance to scream ‘Noooooooooooo’ off they all went again. A miserable dirge rose from the musicians, this was the sort of shit they played as the Titanic sunk, fucking hell, I’d seen Motorhead in this very place less than 4 months ago, I’d have gladly swapped the Chicago Symphony Orchestra to watch Lemmy checking his clockweights for lumps. Another age passed, when they finished this time I wasn’t going to hang about, fuck my clients, contacts, job, I was out the door. Gone in 60 seconds. I was free.

I rattled home on the tube infuriated that my Friday have been stoved in and that due to the time I may not make it to the off licence to procure life saving wine. I made it, just, and got back in time for the start of Phone Booth, what a load of fucking shit. No idea what time I went to bed, I rocked out after that.

On Saturday I got up in time for the F1 qualifying and to check my emails. Yesterday after posting the Anti Nowhere League vid on youtube I went out checked out their site. I last saw The League 15 years ago in a shut venue called The Jolly Boatman in Hampton Court. When I was a kid it used to be a café and mum would take me there for ice cream, and there I was 15 years later being sick in a bin. I digress.

The site http://www.antinowhereleague.com/ has a posting for a splendid single called ‘Mother, your a liar’, that’s ‘your’ not ‘you’re’. Being a pedantic little shit I decided to post Animal an e-mail to tell him. Not expect anything back I was rather chuffed when I received an amusing reply.

After the F1 and the fucking shopping I went out to meet with Frank at the pub, we had a couple in the midst of a load of Rugby types resting after the England/Aussie match. I went back home and rocked out until the small hours.

Full of trepidation I flicked on The Chinese F1 at 11.30 with a kipper on my lap (it was on a plate dear reader, I’m not falling for that one again) only to watch Hamilton’s team, McClaren, make the worst decision in history since someone bought George Best a pint. The upshot was disappointment personified but he’s still in with a chance. Fuck, though.

I decided a blast on the black bitch was the only solution so I headed off to the country to see my sis, bro in law and my still very new niece. It was a beautiful autumn day, warm with touch of crispness, the light was bright and sharp and I gave her a right handful, not my niece, my black bitch… I hung about for a couple of hours watching her blow bubbles and chatting with her parents whilst drinking tea and smoking tabs (outside of course).

The evening passed slouched in front of the box eating and drinking, I had Monday off; I could push the boat out as far as I wished. On Monday I didn’t get up until 1pm, I was free of any hangover, had slept straight for nearly 12 hours and Myfwt had left me a message saying he was coming back a day early. Acer. I took a long bath, ate another kipper and spent the remaining afternoon writing before hooking up with Frank for a couple of Theakston’s prior to the return of Myfwt. I must admit, when she did finally arrive it was jolly fucking nice to see her.

Cunt news just in. Following the row last week I can now confirm that the mother of his hairy kid and indeed, the hairy kid are no longer in the building. This means no more screaming from junior or indeed, them, but it could signal the restart of his wank jelqing career resulting on him embarking on the ‘I’m a cunt of such magnanimous vastness I should fucking die, now’ tour, the tour will take place nightly in a dirty little corner his grief hole. I will, of course, be the sole audience member of the ‘show’. I’m willing to show extreme anger and hate in his ludicrous face just to show my appreciation, for an encore I will kick his teeth in.

Right, its Anti Nowhere League week, this is one for the laydeez

two u tube

I sort of had my Friday night indulgencies last night; I have a chirpy hangover with roachey finish and I’m feeling totally mediocre. Apart from eating sausages and broccoli with Piqued’s quintessential sauce, I took a bath and selected my fucking uniform for tonight’s soiree in full OCD mode. I then drank wine, smoked slate and watched TV.

Tonight’s concert finishes at 9.30, unless I can find some pals in the locale I will skulk off home and rock out. Actually, my plans for the weekend at large are at best vague, tomorrow I may or may not be meeting with Jamie or Frank or my bro, same on Sunday, but I do have Monday off so no Piqued until Tuesday. I will news you all up then.

Incredibly busy day so here’s something I made earlier, a rejected Watch With Mothers article because someone had already commented on this advert a month earlier. You may be interested to know that my latest WWM offing went up yesterday, link to the right ———>

Picture a loan

By far and away the worst advert ever made is for a loans organisation called Picture. So bad is this that it makes all other irritating loan adverts, including those with the behemoth Carol Vorderman reducing things with her sausage fingers, redundant

Watch it at your peril

Right then, where to begin

First the music, eagle eared UK resident residing readers over the age of 30 will recognise it as the Gallery theme tune for Take Hart. The show ran until 1984 so obviously the music regurgitates a younger time and brings to mind sardines on toast the Beano by torchlight after lights out and bicycle races with friends, an age of innocence, yes, purity. It’s a bit like being knocked over the head by a rubber nostalgia cosh, it disarms one, and you feel confused, perhaps afraid. Is that you mummy?

I digress

So, with the soothing music fading out (daddy I done a poo poo… sorry) we are invited to witness the most faked heap of shittery ever seen

A woman films her husband talking on the phone whilst he arranges a loan. Yes, you did read that correctly.

We know he’s a man because within seconds he’s garbled the word football, that’s right ‘its so easy to talk to those people at Picture, as you can actually have an adult conversation’ As opposed to what you fat cunt? A business employing mewling puking infants that randomly scream potty or choclit at you, or a bunch of inebriated tramps shouting at their piss sodden socks. No I think most businesses prefer to employ adults, and I’m fairly sure that it’s in a loans company interest to ensure the salesperson is coherent and polite in order to secure the business.

So, he wanders about this fucking mansion of a house (why don’t they just re-mortgage, we know he has one because ‘Mark from Picture’ his new best mate, asks him) with his git of a wife filming him gurning expressions of ‘really, its this easy!!’ and ‘you’re actually kidding, I can’t believe it’s that simple!!’ and ‘FUCK ME NO !!!! I DON’T BELIEVE HOW FUCKING WONDERFUL YOU GUYZ R!!!!!!!!!!!! *explode*’

And then comes the crunch, how much does he want to borrow? The cunt looks momentarily confused, ooh, he doesn’t know, he must think, how much again, Dear? I mean it was only casually mentioned we’d be borrowing 25 fucking K and a few months later paying back nearly double… He mouths ’25,000’to his subservient prick of a wife and she sticks up her thumb like he’s just fucking well won it on a scratchcard. Yes, 25,000, yeah.

The scene ends off with the 25K ‘richer’ cunt reclining in his chair fiddling with a football (he’s obsessed with footie, the big man that he is) finishing off the call while his clearly sick wife (who WON’T have to fill out any forms) gets all close and, well, rude-like and films him wanking off (not literally but the actor looks the sort that would actually film himself wanking off on camera) on how fucking wonderful those loan sharks are for lending him money with an APR that makes the combined debt of the third world look the money raised by a scout with a stomach upset during bob a job week.

Writing that has put me in an appalling mood, I’m off to hurt some schoolchildren.

Right, the Friday list, Casey still dominates but both Ziggy (still?) and Nigella seem to be tickling the fancy of the disparate and lonely…

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Yesterday
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2007-10-03
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2007-10-02
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2007-10-01
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2007-09-30
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2007-09-29
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I think ‘Barry Cryer wanking’ must win this week, for fucks sake.

I’ll leave you all with an antidote to my musical extravaganza this evening, spare a thought, nice weekends all.

(Actually this is so fucking good I urge you to listen with your genitals out, spot Captain Sensible. Loud, loud, loud)