Category Archives: pj harvey

very very drunk

After visiting James and his new son, a lovely little fellow who has grown an extraordinary amount since I last saw him, Friday night took a turn for the dark side.

Myfwt came back from her office party at about 1.30 am quite pissed, I mean really pissed. This in itself wasn’t an issue; she’s usually a jolly little soul after a few, but after a slurred giggly chat it was clearly time she hit the sack, about the same time as Cunt and some mates (this is a first, there were two of them down there, two!) decided to ‘sing’ with guitars. Imagine if you will 3 cunts singing The Drugs Don’t Work to an out of tune toneless guitar, with Cunt trying to out ‘sing’ all of them. It’s Friday night, they’re not playing through amps so I’m not overly fussed under the circumstances, but the snag is the room in which they were making this cacophony is right over the bathroom -which has not carpet, the same bathroom that Myfwt need to visit to throw her guts up.

In the space of an hour Myfwt went to the bathroom 16 times, accompanied by yours truly to ensure her safety as by now her motor skills had gone to shit. On each occasion we’d return to bed, she’d lie down and minutes later she’s be up and out the bedroom, opening the door to the bathroom to allow the fucking hideousness downstairs to run alongside the dulcet tones of Myfwt removing gins, sambuca, beer and whisky from her face. Put my desire to sleep into the equation and you can see how I felt as if looped in some sort of apocalyptic nightmare.

Even quiet the sound of the fucking 3 Amigos downstairs was permeating into the bedroom; this wasn’t helping so I made up the sofa bed in the lounge. I’m not entirely sure why but this hit the spot in terms of breaking the puke-cycle of Myfwt and we slept soundly until the following morning where we swapped back to our usual sleeping device to finish off our rest.

I made Myfwt some breakfast which alerted her system into one of recovery, I supplied her with tea and sympathy before leaving her in bed and taking the bus to Wimbledon train station. It was a cold wet morning but I was comforted by The Guardian and a fresh coffee on the station platform waiting for my bro and his missus, who were running late.

When they eventually arrived we jumped on the train for the 25 minute journey to Oxshott where we met up with my sister, whose birthday was the reason for our meeting in a restaurant fro lunch, my bro-in-law, niece, mum and dad. The afternoon passed in a most congenial manner, the wine flowed and traditional English fare sated our appetites amid much sniggering and conversation. My niece was being a little stroppy initially but she soon fell into the congenial mood of the family. It was a splendid afternoon and all too soon we were back on the train heading homewards. I’d had a few wines and was required to decide if I should stop or carry on… the latter decision was put upon me by Frank who requested my company for a couple of ales at the local.

I got back home at 8 or so, again, do I stop or continue? Spurning food, I was still digesting lunch, I opened a bottle of wine a fell into my headphones, beginning with the Suno ))) album which blew my head off and moving through Nirvana, Yes, PJ Harvey, Subhumans, Slayer, Machine Head, Bob Dylan, Korn… smoking and drinking all the while and wrapped in the most glorious cloud of sound and drugs.

At about 3 I was done, well and truly. I awoke at 1pm on Sunday feeling dreadful. The afternoon was written off but as luck would have it Back to the Future 2 was on to nurse me through my malaise. At 6 Myfwt arrived with some shopping and she made us supper after taking pity on my condition and going some way to repaying me for my care on Friday night. We both spurned drinks, preferring tea to accompany an evening sat quietly in front of the TV.

Christmas is fast approaching, this is my last full week at work until next year, a delightful prospect but one also fraught with having to finish off the seasonal gift-getting and wotnot. On the other hand it’s still Monday, it’s cold and wet and despite not having drunk last night, I feel crap.

Good Morning

eastern promises

I have a BT land line through which my internet goes, I’m connected via the internet with a Freeserve connection package which I believe became Wanadoo yet they still retain some sort of ID on my PC. A few weeks ago my Fucking Slaptop started to take it upon itself to randomly disconnect itself from t’internet, so confusingly, I had to phone Orange. Why fucking Orange? What the shits has it to do with them?

So, I call them, as soon as I’m connected I’m informed my calls will cost about a pound a minute, that my calls are being recorded for training purposes, that my calls may be monitored, interfered with, taken to the pub and felt up by a retired headmaster with an arthritic knee and a lazy fucking eye for the love of all that is just… this diatribe takes about 45 seconds, i.e., 75p

Finally the cunt shuts up in order to take my question whereupon he gives me another phone number on which to call. I call and suddenly I’m aware that I’m no longer speaking to a person from these emerald isles. Firstly, the line sounds like it’s full of clouds, and secondly, the person on the line whilst perfectly good at understanding English, due to exotic interference and generic accent, isn’t quite as adept as making themselves understood to me. But after about 15 minutes of misunderstandings and computer related jiggery pokery my connection to t’internet seems a little more stable. Jolly good show.

On Tuesday my connection to the golden world of nudity and dildos, I mean, being able to check my emails, became very intermittent, much worse than before. I’m fairly sure my modem isn’t working correctly. Failing to locate the second phone number taking me straight to a call centre in somewhere in South Asia I’m forced to dial the ££££-a-heartbeat line. Of course, as soon as I’m connected I get the terms and conditions quoted to me, being fully aware of the costs, training purposes, monitoring bollocks I attempt to intervene the dulcet tones of the cunt on the other line by loudly telling them that I know all this and may I just have the number for the bloody broadband technical support… To my disgust monotone voice on the other end merely counters my volume without breaking stride, so I raise mine according, accidentally doing a little swear in the process and being instantly cut off. This happened three more times in a row.

By now, incandescent with rage, and desperately needing to lose some weight off my pills, I bear with the Orange Cunts on the £££££-a-palpitation number, get the broadband number and find myself Eastside communicating down a line so appalling that the lady on the other end may as well have been gargling sand in a skip. This was very frustrating dear reader, but I managed to keep calm, mention the modem, and after another 30 minutes of ‘pardon? PARDON?’ I established that I had to download some software (obviously at work) and re-install it.

Last night I came home clutching the shiny silver round ticket to the tissue glue factory, following the instructions to the letter, I uninstalled all previous programmes and shoved in the CD. Of course, it took ages loading and then right at the last knockings fell down on its arse. I tried a couple more times; close to tears I was, before facing the very real fact that I’d have to phone technical support. Again.

At least I had their number so I could avoid calling the premium rate numb… No. NO!! I’d lost it. My skin rippling with blood busting veins I dial the premium line, listen to the fucking t&c message, ask for technical support, am given the number before being asked if they can help me with anything else, I say ‘big fat cocks’ and hang up, then I call technical support, speak to someone in space for over an hour poking at my PC and occasionally having to cup my hand over the phone to scream, finally, after essentially doing precisely what I’d already done, but slower, I’m told that my modem isn’t working and that one will be despatched in the next 2 to 5 (workings) days, and could they help me with anything else before thanking me for calling Orange and throwing me into a cybertitless existence for a fucking week. Shhhhh, shhhhh, everything is going to be alright. Shhhh, be calm. Calm

After all of this horror I get a call from Myfwt who tells me she’s in Chelsea and her car has been stolen, of course it has everything in it, credit cards, mobile, sat nav, costly glass samples for her work, gym kit… she’s remains calm, possibly in shock. She calls the police to discover it’d been towed away, and it will cost her £300 to get the bastard back, despite having a ticket and wotnot. Apparently the only bay in the street, the one in which she parked, had been ‘suspended’. That’s another fucking load of red tape/moaning grief for the week to come. Hurray.

Nonetheless, when she did finally return at 10.30 we did have a nice evening. Aren’t humans wonderful at coping with adversity. Speaking of humans, the search engine entries of the guttersnipes that prowl the internet looking for horrors will be revealed to you in the weekly Friday list. After which a tune will aim to soothe you.

May I wish you all a wonderful weekend, though, as usual, this doesn’t extend to those fucknockers looking for dreadful imagery and winding up on here.

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(check valve timing or carbs, sir)