Category Archives: celebrate your mother

mr bear

At times a charity rope me in to help them out, being the kind hearted prick I am, I like to do my bit, yeah.

It’s very simple task, the charity gives me a teddy bear of surprising quality and a form containing about 40 possible bear names. One of the names will correspond to the name concealed under a peel off sticker. For a quid you choose the ‘most likely’ name of the bear.

Obviously the name of the bear is at random, the charity don’t sit in a boardroom studying the bear, turning it over, cuddling it and giggling at it’s fucking hairy face to ascertain what name it most likely resembles…

My task is to simply go round the office, clutching said bear as proof, with a form and ask my colleagues to sign their names in a box next to the ‘most likely’ name of the bear and give me a quid. That’s it.

But it isn’t is it. First off, as soon as I say ‘name the bear…’ virtually everyone says Mohammed, once I’ve wiped away the tears of fucking hilarity said colleague begins randomly firing names at me, Mulberry, Farquar, Stanley… until I point out that they must select one of the pre-chosen 40 names on the form, which seems to irritate and confuse them in equal measure.

Once they’ve recovered they then begin to scrutinise the fucking bear in incredible detail before poring over the list of possible names as if it’s fucking Schindler’s list in order to ascertain the name they think most closely resembles it, ‘mmm, is it a Holly? Maybe… no, looks more like a Twinkle, mmm…’ whilst I’m stood there trying to explain that THE ENTIRE FUCKING THING IS FUCKING RANDOM. PICK A FUCKING NAME BEFORE I BLIND YOU..!

I have a hangover this morning, I fell into some wine after doing some writing last night, Myfwt joined me later for a late supper of beans on toast which hit the spot perfectly. Pardon the brief post.

Following today’s depressing Friday list (that now requires me to change ‘o’ with ‘0’ and ‘u’ with ‘v’ to prevent Piqued from becoming the premier site to for the potential of seeing pictures of ‘br0thers fvcking their sm@ll sle3ping s1sterz’ for fucks sake) I’ve a tune for you all.

This leaves me only to wish most of you gorgeous weekends.

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