nacked

Seems everyone is jumping on my insomnia bandwagon, first Heath Ledger overdoses on sleeping pills and then Charlie Brooker starts claiming to have it –it’s not on frankly. Last night after yet another evening of barefaced abstinence, insomnia happened. The ironic thing about insomnia is that you’re not how long it takes you to fall asleep until you wake up. So last night I woke up at 5am after falling asleep at 1am, I ascertained it had taken me an hour to get to sleep but was now fucking wide awake. After waking up this morning at 8am I concluded I’d been awake for 2 fucking hours. This means I have had a total of 5 hours broken sleep. Great.

Yesterday I had a hangover; the day crawled past like an octogenarian tortoise, work was attempted but never really gelled. Today I’m just exhausted but I’ll reluctantly admit my head is clearer; I’m preparing myself for another night off. That’ll be two voluntary nights in a row. I honestly cannot remember the last time I deliberately punished myself by not having a few glasses of wine of an evening but I’m 99.9% I was still living with my folks.

After ‘work’ I trundled home, redressed and caught the tube for a few stops. I’d arranged to meet Myfwt at the estate agent for a mortgage assessment. The mortgage bloke was rather portly and as gay as window but trustworthy, succinct and decent. Just so you know I’m not displaying naivety about these sorts of fellows, myself and many of my friends (on my recommendation) used his predecessor to our immense satisfaction. We went through some stuff and I fought to remain conscious (it was much worse having to go through all this shit a second time). Myfwt was much more on the ball and we reached a happy conclusion with regard to how much we can afford without being stretched to the point of farting out blood for the next decade.

Sadly the reality of the expense of moving means that virtually every penny I’ve made on my current place will be lost in deposit/costs of the next place… I’m still secretly hoping they’ll be a few quid left over to acquire a younger Black Bitch but I’m not holding my breath.

Cunt is being a fucking cunt again, after a series of ‘testing, testing, one two, thank you’ (there is NO ONE FUCKING THERE) he’s taken to playing acoustically whilst bellowing out of tune/time into an amped up microphone, the deranged oxygen thieving cunt. I cannot describe to you the noise he makes.

On the one hand it’s toe-curlingly embarrassing because he so tone deaf and woefully devoid of any talent, yet so deluded he doesn’t even have the little bit of brain to stop him impose this honking desert of feeblemindedness on others. Why would anyone in their right mind do that? Why would you go out of you way to inform the world that you’re a fucking arsehole of the loftiest proportions? WHY?

The sooner I leave that place the better, and don’t go thinking I’ll forget all about it when I’m gone. He’ll pay for what he’s done, by the power of Greyskull he’ll fucking pay.

awake

There are many negative sides to not drinking, many. If you ask me there are plenty more reasons to drink than not, but my liver might have something to say about this, indeed, my liver has convinced my brain to take not just one day off from drinking a week but two. This is all very positive in one respect, but in others, it’s horrific.

Apart from the fact that twice a week an evening my mind is going to have to face up to the realities of the sober self, as opposed to the egotistical one that visits me after a few glasses and leads me to view myself with unadulterated optimism bejewelled with the trappings of future success that will come to pass when ‘they’ understand. The sober self has to actually pull his fucking finger out, and if he isn’t in a position to do that, worry about not pulling his finger out, be aware of time slipping between his fingers and consider the pointlessness of existence, it’s a fucking scream I can tell you.

But not is all lost, there are distracters in the form of Radio 4, TV, tea, cigarettes, good food (which in itself can be problematic because good food needs good wine, right?) and of course Myfwt. This is all well and good when one is awake, in fact, the further one goes into the evening the better one feels about abstaining, a sense of achievement and well being begins to detract from the desire to feeling a bit squiffy. No hangover in the morning! And here is the problem. To get to the morning one has to sleep.

When you’re arseholed sleep is relatively simple, but stone cold sober it can go either way. Last night was such an occasion. Could I sleep? Could I fuck. It was a cold night, the duvet didn’t seem to fit, the little bits of exposed flesh felt as if they were being sandblasted by hail, my limbs didn’t fall comfortably pulling my skeleton against the natural forces of physics, my fucking head, my pulsing blood filled cranium, was crushed into the pillow twisting my neck at every turn. Inside my mind thoughts raced in and out like rats risking it for chocolate in busy kitchen, I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t settle, I couldn’t fucking sleep. I’ve no idea what time I finally took off, some 3 or so hours after I’d laid down? Oddly, I’m not feeling that tired today, this may have a lot to do with it being Friday, sunny (albeit cold) and January is finally behind me.

The weekend is punctuated with things to do in between swathes of freedom. The only concrete plans are to see a flat tomorrow afternoon and lunch on Sunday with Andrea, Myfwt, my bro and his missus. Needless to say I’ll have to shop at some point and I intend to have a drink tonight with some friends, though at this stage this isn’t fixed.

Despite my rather solemn entry today, I’m actually feeling alright so do join me for more japes and capers on Monday. In the meantime I’ll leave you with some classic, pioneering Death (I doubt many/any of you will like it but there is nothing wrong with trying, the clean living lead singer Chuck Schuldiner succumbed the name of his band through cancer) and the usual Friday list which has been cut back on account of some the upsetting Google searches that have lead cunts to this site in error. The remaining list is just baffling.

Have lovely weekends.

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