Right, someone is fucking about with the controls on the weather, a warm, sunny October day is fucking unholy. Riding about the city yesterday on my black bitch in my new hot leathers courting attention from men and women alike, I noticed a clemency on the air. Of course I didn’t say anything.
I cycled in today, all the cunting leaves have gone a chrome yellow and were falling in my face as I passed through the dwindling…hang on
sorry, just needed to roll a bum cigar, Christ that is so much better… canopy by the stream, it was all rather beautiful, serendipity if you will.
I decided that a beer in the evening was essential. I hooked up with a mate from work, Nick, his missus, Fee and their 6-month-old daughter who is a smiling pink little thing. We sat in a walled garden supping ale and playing with Sunny who was happily gurgling away. The sun went down and there we still were, quite suddenly a fucking rat the size of a fucking rat shot past me, I leapt into the air nearly knocking my pint over. At about the time I recovered the fucker ran back again, suddenly feeling very unhappy in my location we upped sticks and went back to Nick and Fee’s for a night cap and to put Sunny to bed. On my walk home I saw at least 6 rats, all large enough to be of major concern to a musophobe (or indeed murophobe) such as myself and fully responsible for disrupting my sleep on account of nightmare encounters with a variety of the cunts presented as a series of short horror stories. Ugggh.
When I got back home yesterday I was rather hoping to see a police car outside my flat and two large officers having a word with Cunt, no such luck of course but there was no sound from downstairs. As I was leaving for the pub I heard a baby crying, ‘shit’ I thought, I was rather hoping they’d all been taken into care.
I got in last night at 10-ish and made ham and cheese on toast, my intention to eat a defrosted rice and chicken thing I made a few weeks ago didn’t happen as the fucker wasn’t fully defrosted and you don’t want to be buggering about with re-heated rice -get it very wrong and it can be fatal believe it or not- besides I required something beer friendly. After an hour I realised that I not heard anything from downstairs, at about this point Cunt crashed in through the front door, he’d obviously decided to take his little fucked up self on a solo bender because he’s unable to cope with the fucking pressures of not having to work at all, having a free fucking house with all mod cons, state of the art musical equipment (which as you may have ascertained is about as effective as giving Stephen Hawkins running shoes, but that’s not the point) and a healthy baby daughter and a women* that loves him. Oh, poor ickle fuck-wit, my fucking heart bleeds for it.
Mercifully that was the last I heard from the drip all night, sadly my chance to catch up on sleep without the grunting plunking fuckery of a retard permeating my somnambulist psyche was interrupted by black rats the size of cats jumping out of pushchairs to sink their teeth into my eyes. You just can’t win can you.
There is this enormous arsehole at work, from the moment she blotted my landscape and gave me the once over, I despised her. Judgemental I may be but unless someone goose steps into the office smeared in dog shit I won’t make an instant decision as to whether I will or won’t like them. My instant dislike of this mutated potato was based on the way she initially regarded me. As I was being introduced to her I could see her fringed lip curl up, her piggy eyes narrowed and it took all of my resolve to not point out that she needed a shave prior to stabbing my Bic into her fucking forehead.
In hindsight I was wrong, she’s actually far more unpleasant than I thought. She positively ignores me (I am a director for fucks sake, the only reason she’s not bouncing down the road by the way is that she’s good at what she does, business is business and all that) and she’s overtly horrid to most of my colleagues yet expects everyone to instantly respond to what ever the fuck it is she wants, which shouldn’t be help with turning on the computer, it should be assisting a crane operator to get her on a ducking stool.
Worst of all she’s sat a few feet away from me. I can see her as I type this. Christ, she’s just sat there like barnyard accident, her massive purple head dropped down to slurp tea from a bone china cup and saucer… we don’t have any bone china cup and saucers in here, she must have bought it from home, Jesus, not even our fucking mugs are good enough for her. What a fucking fat, sanctimonious, misery- generating old shit.
When I got in last night I heard the sound of Cunts hairy kid screaming its fucking head off, and there was me yesterday thinking it was gone. The sound of screaming was accompanied by “ka-boom ta ta ta, arghhh, move them to the front, eeeeeUUUU ARRRGHHHH KA-FUCKING BOOM AIIEEEEE” as the ludicrously untalented mentally damaged half wit carried out X-Box manoeuvres whilst his unattended offspring cried its face off. I’ve no idea where his emaciated partner was while all of this parental irresponsibility was taking place, for all I know she could’ve been in there flicking her self off with a crack pipe.
I have a hangover, beer, wine and Sake, in that order, due to Frank, 8mm (which is unnecessarily horrific) and Sonic Youth, in that order. But at least it’s Friday. I’ve a bloody busy weekend coming up; loads of mates appearing from different parts of the country for no reason whatsoever save a bit of a jolly. I’ll let you know how it goes.
In the meantime, the harrowing list of those that stumble on these rantings in error, followed by a soothing Family Guy short to take your mind of it.
Nice weekends all, play nicely, yeah.
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