Category Archives: stephen hawkins

ratboy rat

Right, someone is fucking about with the controls on the weather, a warm, sunny October day is fucking unholy. Riding about the city yesterday on my black bitch in my new hot leathers courting attention from men and women alike, I noticed a clemency on the air. Of course I didn’t say anything.

I cycled in today, all the cunting leaves have gone a chrome yellow and were falling in my face as I passed through the dwindling…hang on

sorry, just needed to roll a bum cigar, Christ that is so much better… canopy by the stream, it was all rather beautiful, serendipity if you will.

I decided that a beer in the evening was essential. I hooked up with a mate from work, Nick, his missus, Fee and their 6-month-old daughter who is a smiling pink little thing. We sat in a walled garden supping ale and playing with Sunny who was happily gurgling away. The sun went down and there we still were, quite suddenly a fucking rat the size of a fucking rat shot past me, I leapt into the air nearly knocking my pint over. At about the time I recovered the fucker ran back again, suddenly feeling very unhappy in my location we upped sticks and went back to Nick and Fee’s for a night cap and to put Sunny to bed. On my walk home I saw at least 6 rats, all large enough to be of major concern to a musophobe (or indeed murophobe) such as myself and fully responsible for disrupting my sleep on account of nightmare encounters with a variety of the cunts presented as a series of short horror stories. Ugggh.

When I got back home yesterday I was rather hoping to see a police car outside my flat and two large officers having a word with Cunt, no such luck of course but there was no sound from downstairs. As I was leaving for the pub I heard a baby crying, ‘shit’ I thought, I was rather hoping they’d all been taken into care.

I got in last night at 10-ish and made ham and cheese on toast, my intention to eat a defrosted rice and chicken thing I made a few weeks ago didn’t happen as the fucker wasn’t fully defrosted and you don’t want to be buggering about with re-heated rice -get it very wrong and it can be fatal believe it or not- besides I required something beer friendly. After an hour I realised that I not heard anything from downstairs, at about this point Cunt crashed in through the front door, he’d obviously decided to take his little fucked up self on a solo bender because he’s unable to cope with the fucking pressures of not having to work at all, having a free fucking house with all mod cons, state of the art musical equipment (which as you may have ascertained is about as effective as giving Stephen Hawkins running shoes, but that’s not the point) and a healthy baby daughter and a women* that loves him. Oh, poor ickle fuck-wit, my fucking heart bleeds for it.

Mercifully that was the last I heard from the drip all night, sadly my chance to catch up on sleep without the grunting plunking fuckery of a retard permeating my somnambulist psyche was interrupted by black rats the size of cats jumping out of pushchairs to sink their teeth into my eyes. You just can’t win can you.

*clearly mad

Post punk anyone? (turn it up) Great video too