Category Archives: barry cryer

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I sort of had my Friday night indulgencies last night; I have a chirpy hangover with roachey finish and I’m feeling totally mediocre. Apart from eating sausages and broccoli with Piqued’s quintessential sauce, I took a bath and selected my fucking uniform for tonight’s soiree in full OCD mode. I then drank wine, smoked slate and watched TV.

Tonight’s concert finishes at 9.30, unless I can find some pals in the locale I will skulk off home and rock out. Actually, my plans for the weekend at large are at best vague, tomorrow I may or may not be meeting with Jamie or Frank or my bro, same on Sunday, but I do have Monday off so no Piqued until Tuesday. I will news you all up then.

Incredibly busy day so here’s something I made earlier, a rejected Watch With Mothers article because someone had already commented on this advert a month earlier. You may be interested to know that my latest WWM offing went up yesterday, link to the right ———>

Picture a loan

By far and away the worst advert ever made is for a loans organisation called Picture. So bad is this that it makes all other irritating loan adverts, including those with the behemoth Carol Vorderman reducing things with her sausage fingers, redundant

Watch it at your peril

Right then, where to begin

First the music, eagle eared UK resident residing readers over the age of 30 will recognise it as the Gallery theme tune for Take Hart. The show ran until 1984 so obviously the music regurgitates a younger time and brings to mind sardines on toast the Beano by torchlight after lights out and bicycle races with friends, an age of innocence, yes, purity. It’s a bit like being knocked over the head by a rubber nostalgia cosh, it disarms one, and you feel confused, perhaps afraid. Is that you mummy?

I digress

So, with the soothing music fading out (daddy I done a poo poo… sorry) we are invited to witness the most faked heap of shittery ever seen

A woman films her husband talking on the phone whilst he arranges a loan. Yes, you did read that correctly.

We know he’s a man because within seconds he’s garbled the word football, that’s right ‘its so easy to talk to those people at Picture, as you can actually have an adult conversation’ As opposed to what you fat cunt? A business employing mewling puking infants that randomly scream potty or choclit at you, or a bunch of inebriated tramps shouting at their piss sodden socks. No I think most businesses prefer to employ adults, and I’m fairly sure that it’s in a loans company interest to ensure the salesperson is coherent and polite in order to secure the business.

So, he wanders about this fucking mansion of a house (why don’t they just re-mortgage, we know he has one because ‘Mark from Picture’ his new best mate, asks him) with his git of a wife filming him gurning expressions of ‘really, its this easy!!’ and ‘you’re actually kidding, I can’t believe it’s that simple!!’ and ‘FUCK ME NO !!!! I DON’T BELIEVE HOW FUCKING WONDERFUL YOU GUYZ R!!!!!!!!!!!! *explode*’

And then comes the crunch, how much does he want to borrow? The cunt looks momentarily confused, ooh, he doesn’t know, he must think, how much again, Dear? I mean it was only casually mentioned we’d be borrowing 25 fucking K and a few months later paying back nearly double… He mouths ’25,000’to his subservient prick of a wife and she sticks up her thumb like he’s just fucking well won it on a scratchcard. Yes, 25,000, yeah.

The scene ends off with the 25K ‘richer’ cunt reclining in his chair fiddling with a football (he’s obsessed with footie, the big man that he is) finishing off the call while his clearly sick wife (who WON’T have to fill out any forms) gets all close and, well, rude-like and films him wanking off (not literally but the actor looks the sort that would actually film himself wanking off on camera) on how fucking wonderful those loan sharks are for lending him money with an APR that makes the combined debt of the third world look the money raised by a scout with a stomach upset during bob a job week.

Writing that has put me in an appalling mood, I’m off to hurt some schoolchildren.

Right, the Friday list, Casey still dominates but both Ziggy (still?) and Nigella seem to be tickling the fancy of the disparate and lonely…

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I think ‘Barry Cryer wanking’ must win this week, for fucks sake.

I’ll leave you all with an antidote to my musical extravaganza this evening, spare a thought, nice weekends all.

(Actually this is so fucking good I urge you to listen with your genitals out, spot Captain Sensible. Loud, loud, loud)

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