eastern promises

I have a BT land line through which my internet goes, I’m connected via the internet with a Freeserve connection package which I believe became Wanadoo yet they still retain some sort of ID on my PC. A few weeks ago my Fucking Slaptop started to take it upon itself to randomly disconnect itself from t’internet, so confusingly, I had to phone Orange. Why fucking Orange? What the shits has it to do with them?

So, I call them, as soon as I’m connected I’m informed my calls will cost about a pound a minute, that my calls are being recorded for training purposes, that my calls may be monitored, interfered with, taken to the pub and felt up by a retired headmaster with an arthritic knee and a lazy fucking eye for the love of all that is just… this diatribe takes about 45 seconds, i.e., 75p

Finally the cunt shuts up in order to take my question whereupon he gives me another phone number on which to call. I call and suddenly I’m aware that I’m no longer speaking to a person from these emerald isles. Firstly, the line sounds like it’s full of clouds, and secondly, the person on the line whilst perfectly good at understanding English, due to exotic interference and generic accent, isn’t quite as adept as making themselves understood to me. But after about 15 minutes of misunderstandings and computer related jiggery pokery my connection to t’internet seems a little more stable. Jolly good show.

On Tuesday my connection to the golden world of nudity and dildos, I mean, being able to check my emails, became very intermittent, much worse than before. I’m fairly sure my modem isn’t working correctly. Failing to locate the second phone number taking me straight to a call centre in somewhere in South Asia I’m forced to dial the ££££-a-heartbeat line. Of course, as soon as I’m connected I get the terms and conditions quoted to me, being fully aware of the costs, training purposes, monitoring bollocks I attempt to intervene the dulcet tones of the cunt on the other line by loudly telling them that I know all this and may I just have the number for the bloody broadband technical support… To my disgust monotone voice on the other end merely counters my volume without breaking stride, so I raise mine according, accidentally doing a little swear in the process and being instantly cut off. This happened three more times in a row.

By now, incandescent with rage, and desperately needing to lose some weight off my pills, I bear with the Orange Cunts on the £££££-a-palpitation number, get the broadband number and find myself Eastside communicating down a line so appalling that the lady on the other end may as well have been gargling sand in a skip. This was very frustrating dear reader, but I managed to keep calm, mention the modem, and after another 30 minutes of ‘pardon? PARDON?’ I established that I had to download some software (obviously at work) and re-install it.

Last night I came home clutching the shiny silver round ticket to the tissue glue factory, following the instructions to the letter, I uninstalled all previous programmes and shoved in the CD. Of course, it took ages loading and then right at the last knockings fell down on its arse. I tried a couple more times; close to tears I was, before facing the very real fact that I’d have to phone technical support. Again.

At least I had their number so I could avoid calling the premium rate numb… No. NO!! I’d lost it. My skin rippling with blood busting veins I dial the premium line, listen to the fucking t&c message, ask for technical support, am given the number before being asked if they can help me with anything else, I say ‘big fat cocks’ and hang up, then I call technical support, speak to someone in space for over an hour poking at my PC and occasionally having to cup my hand over the phone to scream, finally, after essentially doing precisely what I’d already done, but slower, I’m told that my modem isn’t working and that one will be despatched in the next 2 to 5 (workings) days, and could they help me with anything else before thanking me for calling Orange and throwing me into a cybertitless existence for a fucking week. Shhhhh, shhhhh, everything is going to be alright. Shhhh, be calm. Calm

After all of this horror I get a call from Myfwt who tells me she’s in Chelsea and her car has been stolen, of course it has everything in it, credit cards, mobile, sat nav, costly glass samples for her work, gym kit… she’s remains calm, possibly in shock. She calls the police to discover it’d been towed away, and it will cost her £300 to get the bastard back, despite having a ticket and wotnot. Apparently the only bay in the street, the one in which she parked, had been ‘suspended’. That’s another fucking load of red tape/moaning grief for the week to come. Hurray.

Nonetheless, when she did finally return at 10.30 we did have a nice evening. Aren’t humans wonderful at coping with adversity. Speaking of humans, the search engine entries of the guttersnipes that prowl the internet looking for horrors will be revealed to you in the weekly Friday list. After which a tune will aim to soothe you.

May I wish you all a wonderful weekend, though, as usual, this doesn’t extend to those fucknockers looking for dreadful imagery and winding up on here.

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(check valve timing or carbs, sir)