grundy monday

Ray left at some point yesterday morning to go to work, the poor sod, he and I got back home so late it was the next day, sun up birds fucking tweeting… Jesus. I think we tried to drink some more beer but I was now muttering utter drivel. I can recall Ray asking me if I was all right. I was, just wankered

The previous evening I’d met up with my bro in the usual boozer that we frequent on a Sunday, it was 6-ish and we had a pint before being joined by Ray. We had a hilarious chat about onanism made more poignant as the subject is somewhat taboo, off topic as it were, and realising that men operate in very similar ways, in ways most women wouldn’t quite understand, resulted in childish giggles from the back of the pub. The place was rammed as usual with a good ratio of fine women to twattish rugger types. Our conversation required gestures and we were ignored, not unsurprisingly.

At about 8 we three hopped on the tube, one stop south to attend an old mates birthday party. On arrival we were greeted by a pair of bemused European girls and led to the garden where a few guests we sat around a table and a mountain of food and drink. The evening began sedately, my bro and I chatted, we were introduced to the guests and gradually I hit form, largely due to this dreadful moonshine that tasted like poison and had an instant effect on my balance. I was also drinking wine and later beer, I think. I assume I behaved myself because the host of the party, Rick who is teetotal, emailed me to invite me on the motorcycle ride we’d discussed that evening. The spirit was willing but the flesh was still soaked, I was forced to decline on grounds of common sense. The evening passed swiftly, I had no desire to leave, besides I was nattring to a Polish girl with broken English and enchanting eyes. I think I invited her back to my flat being a bit pissed out of my head. Rick was very encouraging in suggesting that would be bad, ‘She’ll never leave!’ he kept saying, I took heed of his advice for a while, until she spat on the ground. For some reason a revolting part of psyche opened up, I found this single action very appealing. I need to try and work out the source of this… or perhaps see a doctor.

The weekend got off to a fine start. After work I hooked up with Frank and we had a few pints in the local. Mercifully the place wasn’t jammed full of no necked skins for the football as, apparently, it was a ‘friendly’ whatever the fuck that means. At around 8 he and I walked to a mates house. We didn’t stay long but got incredibly stoned on this hybrid weed. My mate was regaling us with tales of his youth, drinking heavily and having punch ups outside the local, Frank sarcastically referred to them as ‘salad days’ and I had to bite my lip as I don’t think the comment went down well and one of us chuckling was enough. I was so stoned that on leaving my mouth took on an inane grin, my vision tunnelled and I began to feel the dawning of a trip. Frank was in a similar state. I’ve no idea what the fuck he was saying, or I for that matter, but we were laughing so hard to neither of us could walk in a straight line and on occasion we were forced to physically stop.

I said goodbye to Frank at the junction and we wobbled off to our respective homes. The world smelt of baked beans and vinegar and my legs weighed 10 stone each, by the time I got to the top of my street I could barely walk. I was still grinning like a mental patient when out of the blue, quite literally, I was hit on the side of the face by some behemoth insect, I screamed and flayed my arms about before collecting myself, much to the amusement to a passing couple on the other side of the road. I say amusement, it may have been concern.

Saturday morning I was up early and remarkably clear headed. I made some tea and then Myfwt turned up. She was looking fabulous as usual and no sooner had she parked herself on the sofa, Swineshead turned up too. It was very peculiar, us 3 occupying a part of the day that is normally swallowed up by sleep sat around chatting about Reggae Sauce among other things. It’s been one of those weekends where everything seems to have been funny. Essentially for one hour we just laughed, nearly all the quips were off colour in some form or another but it made for a lively start to day. After Swineshead breezed off I walked Myfwt to her car, got a paper and returned home for a much needed poo. Even that was funny.

I got up on Sunday after 2; I was enormously hungover and missed the Moto GP much to my annoyance. I spent the day in a malaise of writing, lolling about, reading and burping the worm. I ate a kipper with some toast and it did something to take the edge of my illness, as did a bath later. I’d made the decision to not drink that evening so I wrote some more and watched Big Brother, which I’ve reviewed on WWM (link to the right kids, go there after this).

The highlight of the evening was to the 7 Ages of Rock as they were doing punk. What a disappointment, more than that, they ignored some fundamental acts. Firstly, Iggy and The Stooges got a mention whereas they should’ve been given a segment, same with CBGB, the birthplace of punk, we were treated to one shot of a closed venue. It was here that Malcolm Mclaren saw The Ramones and Television prior to returning to London and forming the Pistols. This wasn’t clear; punk was an American invention, however that sticks in my throat. Also some credit to should’ve made to Blondie who managed to take punk into the mainstream, Debbie Harry herself was a key player in the development of the movement, yet all this was ignored. Even the actual shows theme tune musicians The Damned were given the bird save one tiny fragment of footage.

Still it wasn’t all bad, The Ramones got a fair chunk but even this was cut dead by too much irrelevant Pistols footage, the Bill Grundy incident for example, if I remember it was Grundy that got the blame for what happened, it wasn’t a big deal, it was a cheap early evening programme on ITV that clashed with the news on BBC.

All in all the programme was a mess, worst so far. They’d better not balls up Heavy Metal or I’ll start writing offensive letters to the beeb.

I’m a work, I’ve no hangover but I’m tired… actually if the BBC can’t be pissed I’ll do it.

Nice boys too, Captain Sensible is running for parliament at the mo, I shit you not yeah

10 responses to “grundy monday

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    You should have moved hell and high-water to bull that 22 year old European girl. You’re a disgrace to mankind. This post went downhill the moment you failed to get into that 22 year old’s knickers. You’re old. You have no right to turn down the attentions of a 22 year old. You should be ashamed of yourself.

    You bastard.

  • piqued

    How awfully rude, I can tell you come from up t’Northern

    In addition to not naming people in my blog I also keep other aspects of Piqued out of the public eye, my mother and our vicar read this don’t you know

    So does my grandson

    I can’t beleieve you thought the programme on punk was 100% accurate

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Wha? Balls! That programme on punk was shit. When did I say this? I said this? When? When did I say this, damn you!

    Your mother doesn’t read this. You haven’t got a mother because you’re a monster. She no doubt disowned you back in the early 50s when it became apparent what a disapointment you were.

    And I wouldn’t let grandsons anywhere near you. Especially 22 year old grandsons with enormous knockers and a devil-may-care attitude to sexual health.

    BRUTE! Birching’s too good for you! You should be hammered! HAMMERED!

    GOD DAMN YOU! I’m all warm.

  • piqued

    You said ‘that programme on punk was 100% accurate’ quite clearly, maybe, at some point, you didn’t. You did in your sleep, then

    The most important thing is the environment, people like you just consume with a devil may care attitude to the world around you. Well I’ve had enough I tells ye

    (have you any cream for a gammy leg, shrapnel on the move)

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I’m not interested in the environment. I plan to stay ahead of the weather by living like Kevin Costner in the magnificent Waterworld. Plus, I want to see the human race damned for various bad things they’ve done to me in the past. You should be first or possibly second.

    Ointment? What am I – a pharmacist? Get your bloody tinctures elsewhere devil! I’m on to you, Satan, you see if I’m not.


  • piqued

    I was requesting a cream, sir. I don’t believe that ‘ointment’ was on the list?

    As for your shoddy attitude to the ozone layer and melting polar bears, I think you need to take a long hard look at yourself. As for Waterworld, gracious Christ, what a shambles of a film

    You want that do you? Real life based on a shambles of a film? Is that what you want? I tell you what you want what you really really want, you wanna Zig wanna Zig wanna Ziggy Zig Zig to jelq in your mouth

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I have no idea what you’re blabbering on about because you’re some kind of gibbering buffoon. You belong in a mad house, chained to a wall.

    And I wouldn’t be averse to growing gills and having life resemble Waterworld, no. You wouldn’t like it because you’d end up as Dennis Hopper’s bum-boy. I wouldn’t want Jeanne Tripplehorn on board though because she’s an old bag. I’d want the delightful porn actress Jennifer Dark as my boat woman – I’ve seen what that jezebel can do and I’m already rubbin’ my ‘ands at the thought of it.

    As to you, sir, you’re a fruit.

  • piqued

    I’ve been trying to post a comment for an age but wordpress is being all horrid

    I’ll have you know I’m no fruit. The only fruit I accept in my humble abode are Limes for my G&T because I was brought up proper.

    Porn actresses? Jennifer Dark? I find pornography offensive, it’s the exploitation of women, the cessation of what is beautiful as it undermines the very essence of dignity by negating love in favour of projected actions of lustful fornication (including anal, squirting and creampies)

    As for taking the time and effort to cite the object of your depraved mind, well, I’m genuinely shocked at your audacity

    (besides, Angel Dark is far betterer)

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I’ll have you know I plan to marry that woman regardless of how flaccid her bits ‘n’ bobs have become! As for that thing about porn – balls to ’em! You don’t go into that trade to keep your dignity.

    And you’re clearly a fruit. A London, Guardian-reading, commie, Nazi fruit! GOD DAMN YOU!

    Christ I’m warm!

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