Category Archives: addicts


What is it with fucking cycling? Its become all popular and trendy to cycle these days, when I was a kid I always found the idea of grown ups on bikes rather silly, except when my dad cycled to the pub of an evening of course.

Now I’m one, puffing my sweating red face through the streets of London, putting my life in genuine danger, much more so than riding the fucking wheels off my black bitch, and deliberately hurting myself. Cycling is ridiculous, sort of thing one expects in the third world from Johnny Foreigner but over here we have cars and motorcycles, vans, lorries and Foxtons cunt-mobiles, so why do it?

I cycle for one reason alone -and its arguable I’m actually benefiting in this respect either after all, London isn’t well versed in clean air. I do it to keep my toe dipped in the water of life, to stop my trembling gut from spilling over on to my flys, to prevent my legs from looking like old man Steptoe getting out of a tin bath in the yard.

Obviously the environment is benefiting by my vanity but I’m hardly Mr. Carbon Footprint in the first place. Being a chap who likes to have a jolly good night out and still maintaining the bare bones of responsibility, getting fucked out of your barnet and operating heavy machinery have never been bedfellows. I use The Tube more than my black bitch purely because of drinking and I cycle because I don’t want to look like the BBC’s John Sargeant… Is Piqued saying that drinking and vanity are good for the planet? If we were all just that little bit more pissed, we’d be forced onto public transport or the pavements? Perhaps a bit more self-obsessed we’d get on our pushbikes and ride? I fucking is saying that, yeah. Vote for me *burp* then look at my legs.

I had a nice if not mildly obsessive night in last night. I ate sausages in mash with fart generating sprouts and popped a few cans of Carlsberg into my face. There was an excellent documentary on photography on BBC4 and I took a long fat bath with Radio 4 steaming gently in the background like a freshly boiled egg.

In recent weeks I’ve been sporting an immature beard, I was rather pleased with its progress and decided to make some minor alterations after getting out of the bath. Within 15 minutes the sink looked like Prince and most of the fucking thing was off my face, I was rather annoyed by this and was forced to make amends by having another can of beer. I then remembered the fucking clocks change over the weekend plunging us into permanent darkness for 5 cunting months. So I had another.

Busy weekend again, I’ll spill the 57 Varieties on Monday. I’ll be in a dreadful mood, I hate it when the clocks change, I really do. In the meantime it’s the Friday list a hilarious encounter with humanity at its most raw and uncensored followed by a double bill of choons 4 u. Nice weekends all, rubber up yeah. Don’t forget the fucking clocks change by the way.

(Actually, there is some really nasty stuff in this list. Sincerely, if you’re one of those people looking for kiddie stuff, do us all a favour, slash up your knackers and die)

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