Interpally

Interpol were too quiet, in fact, it was the quietest gig I’ve ever been to. Ever. I could happily chat to Myfwt, Gerry and my bro without having to raise my voice. I insist that live music be played at ear splitting volume, even if it’s The Aloud Girls or Spicethat, live music must be fucking loud, but it’s beyond contempt when a rock band can be drowned out by a mouse coughing. Needless to say I let my opinions be known to Alexandra Palace by yelling, I’m good like that when I’m pissed.

Yesterday at work was awful. I had a lunch meeting that would’ve been rather jolly if it wasn’t for the fact my head is choc full o’ snot. We went to some rather swanky Italian restaurant, I’m sure what I had was delicious but I couldn’t taste a bloody thing, that must be the single most unpleasant thing about having a cold, the inability to taste what one is eating. There is no doubt that if it wasn’t for the meeting and the gig I would’ve spent the day lolling about my flat burping the worm, actually, by the end of the working day I was seriously considering fucking the gig as well, I was feeling that rank. Sensibly I figured that after a couple of pints I’d be alright so with that in mind a knackered Myfwt and I boarded the tube to arrive in Covent Garden to meet Gerry by 6.30. We had a pint and moved on to Wood Green to meet my bro. In some godawful (but cheap) Weatherspoons establishment we put two more away and jumped in the shuttle bus (from which I mooned I proud to say) to arrive at Alexandra Palace too late for Blonde Redhead but in time for Interpol.

Ally Pally isn’t a good venue, it’s undeniable gorgeous with the most incredible views over London, but just isn’t suited to gigs. Sound bounces all over the fucking shop, a case in point was that it was vastly louder at the perimeter of the auditorium than it was directly facing the popular outfit. We managed a few more pints whilst the band played in the background (they were jolly good incidentally, just quiet) my bro and I urinated a lot before departing back to the tube station on the shuttle bus. It was now rather late, 11.30-ish? but the dreadful Weatherspoons was still open for business so in we trooped for a few stiff drinks for the journey. More by luck than judgement we caught the very last tube, as it was so late we had an entire carriage to ourselves and we invented a brand new game. Tube tag.

The rules evolved but it requires 4 players, all must be arseholed. Two stand at one end of the carriage and 2 at the other. Then each of the two ‘opponents’ run at each other, high five as they pass, preferably giggling like twats all red faced and gasping, and tag the person waiting at the end, allowing them to indulge in the same pointless activity. It was sublime, making it the best tube journey home in the world, until it was ruined by some bloke with a big nose entering our sacred space.

We got back home at 1am-ish, Gerry and I had a nightcap and ruminated on some dead mates, Myfwt went to bed and I joined her at 2-ish. I have a hangover today, but I also have a fucking cold so I’m not sure which is more responsible for making me feel like gibbon plop. It was, however, a fucking killer night and all worth it.

Righto, the usual sickening Friday list, followed by a final Paul Kaye for your delectation. It is utterly brilliant, a little offensive of course… It remains for me to wish you all splendid weekends, though this isn’t extended to the fucking wankers looking for underage people to whack off to in their filthy hovels.

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deaf as a post

Last night I hooked up with Frank for a couple of pints (Fortyniner, delicious, like drinking Marmite) and he and I ended up chatting to the landlord who is a rather splendid fellow. Turns out he’s a bit of an expert in turning around failing boozers. A few years ago my local was a fucking slag heap, a place where you were guaranteed warm lager and a fist in your teeth, these days it’s the paradigm of boozer perfection. Hey, I drink in there right? Right ; ) You betcha etc.,

Being ill and all that, I’d not sorted out dinner so was forced to pop by Tesco on my way back home. It may delight some of the readers of Piqued to confess that I bought 2 Tesco Chicken Kievs (and a bottle of wine) as I wasn’t feeling able to do any hard kitchen graft outside of preparing some cabbage and broccoli for steaming. The kievs may or may not have been good/bad, the wine vinegar, I can only taste snots, but this is the least of my worries.

I’m totally deaf in my right ear. It’s actually worse than yesterday as I took a bath and instead of making sure I didn’t get water in my ear by closing the tragus over the external auditory meatus with my index finger, something I’ve been doing for a year or so, I decided to throw caution to the wind –I figured as I was deaf anyway I may as well submerse my sweet little head underwater (without closing the tragus over the external auditory meatus with my index finger) so down I went shouting ‘fuck it yeah, rock and roll, woo-hoo’ before realising that I’d been partially deaf up until that point.

Being deaf in one ear isn’t as bad as being deaf, of course, but being used to hearing with both ears it’s fucking horrible. For a start one half of your mind becomes dormant, if today’s Piqued seems a little odd or strange you can safely assume it’s down to that satan is lord. It’s like being half awake, nothing seems quite real, and no, it’s not surreal for crying out loud… it’s very strange though, surreal, even.

Last night I attempted to watch TV in this condition, it was useless but not as bad as trying to read. I could hear all the blood in my head making a fucking noise which was frankly terrifying, I don’t want to be aware of shit like that, I’m happy it goes on and all that but I’d rather I wasn’t privy to it. I mean, I like a good shit as much as the next fellow but I don’t want to spend any time, outside of a cursory glance, ruminating on what has been jettisoned from my toned body. I gave the radio a shot on the good ear, it was okay but there was nothing on Radio 4 that inspired, music was out from the off so I made do with the TV absorbing the wine to aid my cold. What a fucking mess I am I thought. Help, actually.

So I’m dong something about it, I’m full of fucking fuck off cold pills today and I’ve just booked an appointment in some place in Soho to have my ears vacuumed this very afternoon. A bloke here in the office had it done a few months ago, apparently they put some stuff in your lug ‘ol to soften the wax, fire or something, and then literally suck it all out. The bloke at work says it was amazing, could hear a sparrow closing its beak 100 yards off. It does cost fifty fucking quid though, still I really can’t wait. I’m seeing Interpol tomorrow night (with Blonde Redhead supporting, I prefer them to Interpol actually) and I’d like to be able to hear all of it it, not just half.

More Paul Kaye today, this is quite marvellous, but be warned he says ‘fuck’ in it and it depicts the usage of a drugs…