A rum deal, that’s what it was, a fucking waste of money, and I was taken for a cunt, as they say in films made by that homophobic prick-dribble, Guy Ritchie -who’s clearly a latent homosexual (like all homophobes, all of them) because he’s essentially married to a bloke with tits.
I arrived for my dental appointment dead on time and was ushered to the chair by an anonymous assistant. The dentist was already waiting for me like some local despot expecting gifts or sexual favours. I lay in the chair and awaited the usual bollocking, then I remembered that I was soon to be middle-aged, I sat up on my shoulders, before he’d a chance to draw breath I said, ‘Before you ask, I’ve not been here for years, I smoke loads and favour red wine. I’m not cutting back on either.’ And I lay back down.
The dentist cocked his head, put on his mask and proceeded to prod, after 2 mins (£15, right there) I was told, curtly, that I brushed my teeth too ‘vehemently’. I’d never heard anything more absurd in my life; it was like being angrily informed by the traffic police that I rode my bike with care and skill.
I was led to the hygienist who was an enormous Serb with teeth whiter than diamonds. I was shoved into a chair that manipulated my spine like a retards teddy prior to being throttled with a baby blue bib and leapt upon. Her tits were huge and unwelcome. They pressed against my skull like an ill fitting crash helmet and she dug away at the years of hedonism in my drooling mouth, the dribble dropped over the side of my gaping maw and tricked uncomfortably down the sides of my face and pooled at the nape of my neck, this monster couldn’t give a shit. She was worse than Karadzic.
After 20 minutes she stopped and told me that I’d have to book another appointment ‘to clean the top set’. After being given a lecture on flossing I left and paid. I didn’t realise I’d have to pay another £50 or quid for her to fuck about with ‘the top set’ until later. The cunts! Last time I saw (the previous) hygienist she did the fucking lot in 40 mins and charged me once. They should take this bitch to The Hague.
Right, that’s me for a while, catch you next Thursday, I’m off to the south coast with IC for lashings of rain after getting lost, again.