bull league-erd

Yesterday had two highlights, the food at the restaurant for lunch where my boss and I met a client and the big fat cunt that works here falling on her elephantine arse. Please, please let me indulge you.

Lately she’s been worse than normal, obviously I’m not involved in any of this, she drew the line in the sand on day one and I’m delighted to have nothing whatsoever to do with the bovine harridan. So I watch from the comfort (and safety) of my desk, really you don’t want to be stood in the way of that lump of gristle when it’s about to charge, she’s a hair trigger temper at the best of times, in one instant this place can shift from a quiet friendly office to a the streets of Pamplona.

I’ve also deduced that the red scowling face isn’t due to her carrying about a vast quantity of big boned-ness, I know plenty of large people, my own sister isn’t exactly what one would describe as svelte, and they don’t bear the perpetual visage of furious crushed raspberries. I reckon she likes a drink, a lot. This may or may not have been borne out yesterday when I watched her try to park in an office chair, I observed in fascination as she failed to grasp the arms of the chair just as her behemoth backside fired the wheeled seat away from her descending frame, rather like Roger Federer returning a volley, resulting in her lowering into woefully inadequate thin air. The expression of shock as she realised she was going to fall had already caused me to explode in laughter, this wasn’t curbed but the inevitable crash on the deck and the rear roll as gravity followed through, whilst she stoically clung onto the expression of abject shock until coming to rest in a position of magnificent indignity. It was comedy gold to such an extreme I got a heavy dick, the collective sigh of concern from the girls in the office merely added fuel to my hysterics, I had to actually go under my desk to calm myself down and thereby avoid accusations of warped Schadenfreude.

I had Lamb Kofta for lunch, incidentally.

Actually there was a third highlight; my mate James and his wife had their first kid, he was born yesterday afternoon by caesarean and weighed in at an impressive 6lbs. One more of us, one less of them.

After yesterdays surprisingly successful meeting I got back in the office and caught up on emails left by clients and friends alike. The weekend is shaping up to be a good one, tonight I’m meeting a whole rainbow of mates in Soho for drinks, some of which I’ve not seen in months and on Sunday Myfwt and my dad and I are off to Brands Hatch to watch the last round of the British Superbikes. Like the F1 the championship is going right to the wire, odds on to win is the hugely talented and unpredictable Japanese rider Ryuichi Kiyonari. Whatever happens, watching a load of chaps wringing the fucking shit out of hugely powered motorcycles is sight and sound nirvana. They’re showing it on TV, who knows, you may spot me in the crowd.

The usual Friday list followed by our final offing by The Anti-Nowhere League, well sort of, Metallica doing ‘So What’ (there is a version with Animal from the league playing with them here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKtG2ApixAg but it won’t up load on Piqued) this only leaves me to wish you all a jolly weekend.

(what the fuck is a ‘cunt shave bank’?)

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13 responses to “bull league-erd

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    ‘Nigella Lawson’s tits’

    You’d have thought Nigella’s sojourn into the world of softcore pornography would have been snuffled out by the hogs of Fleet Street by now. Still, gotta admire this man for valiantly continuing his quest to uncover those intimate Nigella udder shots. Good luck to him, I say!

  • piqued

    I think it was me NC, I’d like nothing more than to catch a glance of those huge white underbags

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    If I was promised a drink of Nigella milk, I’d be there before you’d got your trousers down.

  • piqued

    You may find yourself recovering from a sharp blow to the head as I wrestled her succulent teat from your boney hand

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Not if I keep one hand working her lactating mammary and the other fending you off with a Bernard Matthews Chicken Kiev on a stick, I won’t. I’m damned if I’m relinquishing that gushing fountain of middle-class moo juice without a fight.

  • piqued

    Ah, you see, Nigella would pound on yo ass if you came with a mile of her with a Bernard Matthews chicken based product, you hear me NC, she’d beat you to a pulp and gladly offer me a spurting bingo dabber to suckle ‘pon ‘til I was cheerfully engorged with her goodness before offering me the other out of courtesy.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    That’s rubbish and you know it. Nigella would see me as far more deserving of the nectar of her discharging poonts than she would you. One look at your ghostly, palid face, drained through years of eating unhealthy, organic rubbish riddled with bird flu, and she’d be shoving that pendulous fun-bag in my ruddy, well-fed fizzog, cocking back the nipple-trigger and firing a gallon of pure nork jizz straight down my willing throat. You she’d let eat nibblets of Nigella clag off her (admittedly magnificent) gritter. A gritter, I might add, that’s only recently undergone a good close-quarter marching session under the careful tutelage of my throbbing drill sergeant.

  • piqued

    I’ve seen you wandering hopelessly around your awful Northern dwelling, stooping over bins to find food wreckage for your ‘dinner’ (though really you mean ‘supper’).

    Nigella wouldn’t give you the time of day, do you hear me, you don’t understand food like what me and Nige does. Subsequently I’d be invited over to her opulent pad when Saatchi was out, and invited to give her mimsy a fucking good viewing prior to unzipping the front of my tight leather rock and roll trousers and unleashing a creature of such magnificence the slightly overweight MILFs teats would literally explode curd all over her kitchen causing thousands and pounds of damage, she’d have to buy a new Smeg for a kick off.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    That’s my butler, you impudent swine! You forget we Northerners have a far higher standard of living than you poor, impoverished Southerners. Jeeves is from London, so I imagine he was scrabbling around in bins to remind him of the good old days when his entire food budget was spent on the mortgage for a £500,000 1960s maisonette in a former council block. Bless.

    Now. Nigella, you blinkered bumpkin, would expunge her ageing blimp batter my way because:

    1. She’s far too slightly overweight but still utterly-butterly-futterble to want to catch avian flu off of your microscopic belly-dangler. Especially when it’s been sat supperating at the back of the shop like a spent chippolata. Why would she want that when she’s got my disease-free British sausage proudly displayed and ready for human consumption in the butcher’s window of love?
    2. This could be the last pint of lady-lactate that white-faced wench ever squirts out of those quivering chest boulders of hers. You’ve proved time and again you’re not fit to get your gums round good, old-fashioned food and drink, only rubbish with daft names you think’ll impress the girls. Well Nigella’s no girl, m’boy! She’s 20 stone of wobbling fuck-blubber, and she wants to feed a real man who appreciates proper English fayre. She wouldn’t want to waste those last precious quarts sloshing around in those glorious dabbers on the likes of you.

  • piqued

    I’ve just spotted this diatribe of filth.

    How dare you speak of Nigella in such a derogatory manner, why, if it were still custom, I’d challenge you to a duel for custody of just one of those monstrous milk pillows, by George you’d lose, Sir.

    Indeed, for the comments in which you lay claim to the magnitude of your own appendage and cast aspersions as to the size and indeed quality of mine own proud member would be enough for an Eton thrashing.

  • nursemyra

    furious crushed raspberries….. haha… that’s hilarious

  • Lung Cancer Asbestos

    Lung Cancer Asbestos…

    Lung Cancer Asbestos…

  • HoxDowbourb

    Hello all! I like this forum, i organize numberless gripping people on this forum.!!!

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