steve, mark, levi

It’s been a great 7 days for murdering women at the hands of evil bastard men.

Firstly there’s the one that enjoyed slaughtering prostitutes and posing their bodies for jollies, then there’s the young loony tune who casually admitting to banging a stiff (as part of his defence) after stabbing her to death, and most recently a fat squeaky mummy’s boy who hated blonde women with big tits so much he dispatched his with a hammer when he wasn’t using his car to run them over, chances are one of them was Milly Dowler, a child coming home from school.

Obviously these three cunts are over and above the usual pile of knackings, rapings and knifings that are conducted on an hourly basis up and down the country by my dick-swinging brethren, and obviously such behaviour trickles down to effect society in more mundane ways.

Last week, just after the prostitute killer went down (I don’t like these poor woman to be stigmatised by their choice of trade, I only mention it because it pertinent to their death in this case) I was walking back from the pub following a woman who was clearly unnerved by my walking behind her. In such circumstances I’m inclined to speed up and overtake them so they can see me walking ahead and away, but this lady also began to speed up so I crossed the road so we were virtually jogging on opposite sides of the street. She was on the side of my flat, which she began to approach, so I had to cross the road, which I left at the last minute, to get to my flat. Essentially she saw a man dressed in black walking quickly on the opposite side of the street suddenly darting towards her, she suddenly stopped then ran into the property next to mine and began furiously digging in her purse for keys. I walked up to my front door and popped the keys into my lock and turned to face her, smiling gently, and said ‘good evening’. Judging by the expression of sheer gibbering terror on her face I may well have had my cock out, knife in hand quoting Revelations backwards.

On the tube last night a variation on this theme occurred on two separate occasions, on the way there and on the way back. In both cases I arrived on the tube platform and after much backing off, acceleration, too-ing a fro-ing through a journey that required 2 changes I wound up on the street heading in the same direction as the person I was trying desperately to avoid because I knew I was frightening the shit out of them. It’s totally unfair I should be tarred with the same brush as these murdering horrors who’ve been mercifully convicted, but ultimately I curse god for not letting me enjoy the experience, with a rope.

Myfwt has given up smoking. This is fantastic news as far as she is concerned and I’m being very supportive of course. However, the selfish side of me can see problems, not smoking in the flat being one, or in the car, or outside next to her, being told to clean my teeth before I am within striking distance, being informed that it’s impossible for me to taste food because my mouth is lined with death, the absolute insistence that I will die in the next 10 mins of cancer, heart disease, plague, ebola, hammers… the usual reformed-smoker disgust at my revolting obscene evil habit…

Hooray.


14 responses to “steve, mark, levi

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I deeply regret giving up smoking. There’s nothing AT ALL that’s as satisfying as that fag you have after a good meal. I’ll go to my bloody grave missing that … and probably no later than a smoker goes to his, neither. Health benefits, my arse.

    LET ‘EM BACK IN THE BOOZERS!

  • piqued

    I think I may deeply regret Myfwt giving up too, she’s been on the phone twice already today prattling on like she’s been starved of oxygen

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Well it’s not exactly fun, giving up. She’ll either crack under the pressure, or emerge smug and insufferable and moaning you stink.

    And I’m dubious about the supposed benefits, too. I haven’t noticed more money in my wallet, because I’m now buying more food. And that food tastes different, yes – it tastes of food without that delicious veneer of fine cigarrettes I’m used to. And drinking beer’s become shit too – what’s the point of booze without its partner-in-crime?. They never mention any of this when they encourage you to stop smoking.

    The German bastards.

  • piqued

    …trouble is, as you’ve already implied, I’m going to have to look at giving up just for a bit of p&q

    And to think they go on about passive smoking, how about passive stroppiness, they don’t mention that on the TV ads do they?

    (No, they don’t by the way).

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    It’s never advisable for just the one to give up without t’other. Me and the missus did it together (aaaah, ain’t that sweet … bleeeurgh), and it’s the only way. If you don’t, the other one suddenly realises he or she’s going out with someone who smells like a tap room carpet. It is extremely noticeable how much smokers stink when you give up. Being nearly twenty years behind the barrel of a JPS, I tend to now follow smokers around, breathing in that feotid stench for nostalgia purposes. God, I miss smoking.

  • piqued

    Christ… I was thinking along those same fucking lines. I should imagine it was ‘er (in through the out) [in]doors, that suggested you quit..?

    I reckon she’s setting you up for nippers NC…

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    It was me, actually. I do a lot of walking and climbing ‘n’ shit, and I’ve found, over the last couple of years, that I’ve become more and more of a wheezing, spluttering sack of lungs. Plus the brown crap I was hockling up every morning was trying to tell me something.

  • piqued

    I don’t get that spluttering coughing wheezing thing… Guess I’m really lu

    *clutches arm*

    Christ, an elephant is sat on my chest, someone call an amb

    *keels over*

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    See? That’ll be the smoki … AAAAAUUUUUUUUUUURGGHH …

    *hockle*

    … ng.

  • John Q Wagonwheel

    Well aren’t you chummy, like gents sitting by the fire in quilted silk jackets smo- hah. Actually we should encourage smoking (even though I’m a sickeningly smarmy non-smoker), deals with the surplus population who haven’t got the guts not to get cancer.

  • heavenlydemise

    I do not see what is wrong with smoking. I do it on a regular basis, mainly because it gets a great deal out of a gals system … sometimes though, just for sheer evil fun, (doing her best Valeria Watt ‘thang’).

  • piqued

    “…because it gets a great deal out of a gals system”

    It makes you have periods? Blimey

    *smokes 50 fags to see what happens*

  • heavenlydemise

    Now that explains the red smoke that comes out of my parts … hmmm …. enlightenment is achievable after all.

  • markgorman

    You’re going on my blogroll mate. Fucking hilarious. Apparently (on radio 2 today the consensus was that it’s OK for old birds to be mass murdered but the murderers of pretty young ladies (WHO AREN’T PROSSIES) are evil.

    Harold Shipman was portrayed as merely sympathetic.

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