yukka fukka

I’m not in the best of fucking moods.

I was forced to drive in this morning, as I was yesterday but for two entirely different reasons. The flat tyre on the bicycle required reparation; this was successfully undertaken at lunch. That morning I could’ve taken public transport into work and cycled back home but it was all wind and wee wee so I opted for the van from the outset and picked the bike up and brought it home.

Today, it’s all fucking wind and rain (it’s christing August) but I was genuinely intending to cycle, well I was last night until the plant pot exploded. If you read yesterdays babble you’ll have come across my cod-scientific explanation for the peculiar rodent-like sounds emitting from ‘behind’ my TV. I blamed the mirror glass cracking from heat. Last night during Tribe, I even explained the phenomenon to Myfwt, a glass expert incidentally, and despite looking bemused she didn’t throw up much objection, unlike Bruce Parry who was throwing his heels out of his chin at the time. In hindsight she probably wasn’t listening.

Anyway, later on Myfwt went off to powder her bean and I undertook the usual pre-bed ritual, clean up glasses, empty ashtrays, water plant…a simple task, all I have to do is fill a glass bulb attached to long tube with water and insert the tube into the soil, the plant then helps itself. The ready made hole in the soil has been in the same place for nearly two years but for some reason last night I couldn’t get the angle right so I shoved extra hard (this isn’t some sort of coded euphemism for anything by the way) and with an audible bang the plant pot separated in four different directions. A split second before it went, I heard the ‘rodent’ noise.

I’ve not re-potted my houseplant, a fucking enormous yukka, for 3 years. Despite its growing well in that time I just figured that the pot would simply limited its size, I wasn’t expecting the pressure of the pedantic roots to actually crack and break half an inch of fired pottery.

The upshot of all this crap was that I had to drive in this very morning in order to get a new fucking plant pot before my yukka decides to wander off on it’s own and take a bath. On my way to work I stopped off at Homebase, grabbed a white ceramic plant pot thing and some more potting soil and went on to work.

Feeling the glow off success following the completion of a necessary task I parked on the contentious gravel space in the front of the office, aware of my colleagues coming and goings, I made sure there was plenty of room for them to manoeuvre their vehicles (taking into account most motorist drive like cunts) and applied my handbrake. Suddenly my boss appeared waving his arms, ‘you can’t park there, you can’t park there’ he freaked. ‘No problem, I’ll move…’ I said, dead casual like.

It was a pointless operation, I was perfectly situated, moving to the other side of the lot wouldn’t make the blind bit of difference, no bother though. I switched on the engine and started to make up the angles for the manoeuvre. My boss remained on the lot, I could feel him glaring at me. Just as I was at the optimum angle to plant the van in the newly designated zone, I was informed by my boss that I wouldn’t be able to make it and to return to my original position. Of course I could’ve fucking made it, unless you’ve driven a white Transit you’ll be unaware of their incredible turning circle, they’re like black cabs. I objected briefly, by now returning to my original position was genuinely difficult… for fucks sake.

Ten fucking minutes it took getting it back to where it had been some 15 minutes earlier. Fantastic way to begin a miserable fucking Wednesday.

Let this run for a bit, let it run…

48 responses to “yukka fukka

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Don’t forget food fans – Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs are available from the freezer cabinet. They’re a delicious treat for all the family and at just £2 for three (yes, I know it’s hard to believe!), a genuine bargain. As recommended by Piqued – he knows good food when he opens the box!

  • piqued

    Shouldn’t that be Chicken Kievs’?

    I see your brain is being dulled by your poor diet, I don’t hold it against you. I just feel sad. Please let me help, I care.

  • Swineshead

    *wipes garlic and herb sauce from lips*

    What’s this all about then?

  • piqued

    Come dear boy, come

    Another lost diet-compromised soul, here sit next to NP, not that close, he smells rather and watch this…

    *puts on Jamie Oliver’s School Dinners*

    Anyone for broccoli and organic free range chicken?

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    It would be Chicken Kievs’ if I’d said they were in posession of something … as I didn’t, my grammar is correct. I know you’re not hot on apostrophes and their proper place, but I am. Back of the class, I fancy.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Kinda got you there didn’t I? Ho ho!

  • piqued

    They are in posession of Bernard Matthews

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Which makes no sense, of course. Did you go to school? For that to work it would have to be Chicken Kievs’ Bernard Matthews … which doesn’t mean anything. If you mean that Bernard Matthews is posessed by the ghosts of chicken kievs (note I’ve lowered the case because I’m referring to the product, not the brand name), then you’d still have to call them Chicken Kievs’ Bernard Matthews – and they don’t actually exist, you see? If you read my sentence, you’ll see that I was advertising the brand Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs, not Chicken Kievs’ Bernard Matthews. Indeed, to be grammatically correct about this, it should be Bernard Matthews’ Chicken Kievs but, as that is not how the brand is sold, it has to be written Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs. Understand?

    Oh, and they’re £2 for three, don’t forget that.

  • piqued

    You have a point, but you’re still wrong, you see, strictly speaking, its “Bernard Matthews’ Chicken Kiev” the ‘s’ isn’t relevant at all…

    But the on the packaging its “Bernard Matthews Chicken Kiev” which as you point out isn’t correct as there should be an apostrophe after the Matthews to denote possession

    So both you and Bernard lose, and I win.

    AND my cock is bigger than yours AND I don’t have bird flu

  • Swineshead

    ‘possession’ is spelt like that, you bleeding idiots.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    On the packaging they are called Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs, not Bernard Matthews Chicken Kiev. You’re throwing in your naturally foodie ways and removing the letter that denotes a plural. You’re wrong, you see? And you’ve also ignored the central point of your original argument – that I should have spelled them as Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs’ with a superfluous apostrophe at the end. But that’s not how they’re spelled, see? Read my original comment and get back to me when you work out where you’re going wrong.

  • Swineshead

    No, Piqued, strictly speaking ‘IT’S’ (not ‘its’).

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Swineshead is indeed right on the possession front.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    *Piqued feverishly hunts for evidence to substantiate his outrageous grammatical claims while Swineshead and Napoleon put the oven on*

  • piqued

    Please check my fucking spelling of possession in my last post…

    So Matthews and you are wrong as it’s ‘Chicken Kiev’, not ‘Chicken Kievs’

    Kiev is a place, it would be like calling them ‘Chicken Londons’ if there was more than 3 in a fucking packet for £2

    You and Matthews are so alike NP, except he’s a mulit millionaire farmer

  • piqued

    I’m as calm as one of Matthew’sz slaughtered Turkey’s”s

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Again, you don’t fully understand. I was advertising Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs. Why would I miss off the plural? I’d be wrong, yes? Because they’re not spelled Chicken Kiev, are they? I’m sorry if you have a problem with how lovely old Bernard spells his products (like I say, it should really be Bernard Matthews’ Chicken Kievs), but that’s not my fault. I spell it in the ad like it’s spelled on the packet – there is nothing wrong with the sentence at all.

    And, again, you seem to be ignoring the fact you corrected it to the non-sensical Chicken Kievs’. Look, it’s up there, see? Your new argument that it shouldn’t be Kievs but Kiev (take it up with Bernard, not the advertiser) attacks your original premise.

    You’re incredibly dense.

  • piqued

    As discussed, both you and Bernard are wrong, Bernard wrong for pluralising a place name, I’m going to Pariss shortly before heading off to New Yorks and San Fransciscos in the USAS and you for eating the filth he kills

    Whilst I accept full mature and adult responsibility for an earlier misuse of an apostrophe, promotion of both illiteracy by advertising ‘Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs’ and a diet so poor you’ll be dead of rickets before you’re 40 if you’ve not already shat your pelvis out of your bottom after wiping out half the population with H5N1 by your irresponsible purchasing of dirt shit poor quality foodstuffs

  • piqued

    You can stuff full-stops up your beak as well

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Whatever your views (and they’re wrong ones) about the merits of my consumption of Mr. Matthews’ products, I’m glad to see you’ve finally conceded I’m right. Well done.

    As for my diet being poor, well I wouldn’t say that! You’ll find many of Bernard Matthews’ products are healthy and nutritious, especially his Chicken Kievs (3 for £2). And, as for the outrageous claim that you can get the H5N1 strain from his food, well, let’s see your evidence.

    On another point – your holiday boast is spelled appallingly. It’s ‘Paris’, not ‘Pariss’, ‘New York’, not ‘New Yorks’, and ‘San Fransisco’, not, as you’ve written, ‘San Franciscos’. Oh, and ‘USA’ is abbreviated incorrectly as ‘USAS’ (it’s short for the United States of America, see?).

    Only too happy to help.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I’m wrong as well – it’s ‘San Francisco’, not ‘San Fransisco’. I admit to MY mistakes, mind.

  • piqued

    I conceded nothing as you can clearly see

    Initially, as mentioned, I took my apostrophe responsibility seriously

    But the fault was with you and Matthews from the outset by the use and promotion of the word ‘Kievs’

    Unlike you I don’t feel the need to write copious amounts to ‘justify’ myself, I’m right, you’re wrong. It’s really that simple

    I won’t hold it against you, kid

  • piqued

    (the ‘San Fransiscos’ was deliberate, I was making a point if you recall)

  • Swineshead

    To backtrack – you’ve misspelt possession here, Piqued:

    piqued Says:

    August 22nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm edit

    They are in posession of Bernard Matthews

    (Unless you’ve fiendishly edited it since)

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    I write copious amounts of words because I am schooled in the English language Piqued (give it a try sometime, you might like it). And you have conceded that my advertisement was not incorrect, which it wasn’t. Again, I am not responsible for the way the company spells its products, I WOULD be wrong if I then corrected them.

    As for your argument that it’s ‘Kiev’ because it’s a place? It hardly applies now the word has been adopted as both a singular and a plural by the food industry. It’s symantic nit-picking akin to denying there’s such a thing as a row of Fords because Henry was one man – you’d sound faintly ridiculous saying ‘a row of Ford’.


  • piqued

    SH, yes, I did way back then, but I didn’t later. NP also spelt it incorrectly, but didn’t later. You spelt it correctly from the word go, well done

    NP, ‘Ford’ is a brand name, it’s not the fucking name of a city

    There are a lot of Fords in the world, I don’t see a host of Londons, Kievs and Sheffields driving up and down the motorway, you bloody ninny freak

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Read my last comment. The food industry has adopted and adapted the word to its needs – that’s how English works Piqued, it’s malleable in that respect (as opposed to being subject to mangling – your particular party trick). That’s why I used the word ‘akin’ – the same argument, different examples.

    And Ford was a man before he was a brand. Kiev was a city, yes, then it became Kievs – delicious golden chicken treats with a glorious garlic and herb centre (3 for £2).

  • piqued

    English doesn’t work like that, no. However, the advertising industry promoting cheap food for the poor and/or thick whilst lining the pockets of a walking multi millionaire health hazard does.

    If Matthews says jump, you say ‘how high’, you’re a puppet to his avian ways. I choose to live my life free from the constraints of such awfulness. Hey don’t shoot me, burn me or play baseball with my carcass, yeah.

    Your attempt to justify a pluralised city name for the sake of your sinister eats was actually quite weird, weird in a sniffing dogs arse for sexual gratification way.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    No, you said, and I quote, ‘I don’t see a host of Londons’. I replied that there were, in fact, loads of Londons. Try looking at a map of the States – might come in handy when you boastfully set off there.

    How is Bernard a walking health hazard? He imported turkeys from outside the Hungarian exclusion zone (the zone being set up so that Hungary could still export from without the confines of the zone’s borders), his vets discovered the disease on one of his 57 farms, the contamination was dealt with, end of story. Hardly a health hazard. Strikes me as being responsible.

    I love it when posh foodie types classify food that doesn’t conform to their narrow view of what’s acceptable to put in our mouths as ‘for the poor’. Rather snobbish of you. And as for being thick? Well, I’m neither thick nor poor and I love Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs. I can’t attest for the state of Swineshead’s finances, but I assume they’re not bad enough for him to be classified as poor. He’s not thick either, and he, like me, loves that sweet sweet garlic and herb flavour. Looks like you’re just descending into that last bastion of the scoundrel – name calling.

    I suggest you get down the shops and buy some Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs. Swineshead’ll fill you in on the price and how many you get for that price.

  • Swineshead

    Should we be calling ‘ten frankfurters’ ‘ten Frankfurts’ then, Piqued?
    It’s been turned into a noun and is now in common parlance so you’re going to have to lump it.


  • piqued

    Yes, my point about Londons, New Yorks, Sans Fransiscowsz etc., still stands however you wish to dress it up or stuff it full of garlic flavoured lard.

    No, I’m not posh NP, nor am I a ‘foodie’ whatever that means, I just chose to eat food that hasn’t been involved in a fucking nationwide healthcare, you research the ‘safety’ of BM company until you grow caruncle, snood or wattle on your face, but the fact remains, his farm was found with the deadly strain of Avian Flu and thousands of the creatures you put into your mouth were slaughtered, because they were all shit.

  • Swineshead

    It doesn’t stand. If, say, McVities chose to make a Chocolate London biscuit I’d be well within my rights to ask you if you fancy a London, or some Londons.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    One farm was, then they got rid of it, and nobody died. That’s called a result. Well done Bernard. Livestock is imported and exported across Europe all the time Piqued, it’s called commerce. It was a mistake that led to a contamination that was successfully contained. The infected birds didn’t enter the human food chain (unlike all that BSE beef you ate in the 80s – meaning you’re more likely to be fucked by your locally-grown beef then you are of processed chicken), so Bernard Matthews Chicken Kievs are perfectly safe to eat. You do realise you’re actually libelling this company don’t you?

    And no, your point about London doesn’t stand because you’re incapable of constructing a rational argument.

    And you’re a tapered, boiled cock.

  • piqued

    SH, there is no such place or thing as Frankfurts, there is a place called Frankfurt though. Frankfurters are crap sausages, a Frankfurter is a crap sausage. I thought you knew all this?

    ‘Chicken Kiev’ is the name of a dish, it’s not called ‘Chicken Kievs’.

    ‘Chicken Kiev’ isn’t not know as ‘Kiev’ or ‘Kievs’ either

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Hamburg anyone? Anybody fancy some Hamburg? You’d like some Hamburg wouldn’t you, Piqued old sport?

  • piqued

    I was veggie in the 80’s NP; I only began eating meat a few years back.

    Happy to slander Bernard Matthews, don’t know if it’s libellous, you a fucking lawyer now?

    My point about London stands as strong as the mighty Ox as well you know, sadly you don’t have the BALLS to admit it and for that, I’m sorry

    As for the use of unpleasant language, I shall turn the other cheek, like our Lord would

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    Chicken Kiev is indeed a dish – I think the experts on this topic have been communicating with you about this for some time now – and a collection of them are referred to, by everyone but you, as Chicken Kievs (3 for £2).

  • piqued

    NP, you silly man, it’s Hamburger, Hamburg is a place, look the TWO extra letters at the end give it a different meaning, cocker

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    It was found that none of the infected meat entered the food chain. Your claim that Bernard (poor, beleagured Bernard) has been selling infected meat is libellous, yes (not slander – that’s when you speak it).

    And no, again, your point about London falls flat on its arse. You can pluralise cities (see – Kievs, Swineshead’s points, mine etc.).

    Vegetarian were you? And the fact you’re not now shows how principled a chap you really are. Well done on spending the 80s being insincere.

  • Swineshead

    ‘Chicken Kiev’ isn’t not know as ‘Kiev’ or ‘Kievs’ either


    I see your point, but you’re being snobbish and refusing to accept a colloquial way of referring to a food product.

    It’s like refusing to refer to McCain Oven Chips as such because they are, in fact, ‘chipped potatoes’, don’t y’know?

    It’s a noun when we speak of Mr Matthew’s product, because he names, distributes and sells it as such. At £2 for three, so I hear.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    We could have a dinner party … anyone for chicken?

  • piqued

    I was lured back to meat by Doner Kebabs if you must know. That’s how much of a foodie I am.

    If he wasn’t caught, multi-millionaire Bernard would’ve infected the nation with death (resulting in deaths)

    No, my ‘London’ argument stands; my example is quite clear Mr. Cockapartes, accept it.

    Anyway, on that note I’m off, I’ve hard a tough day at work and I need to lay down my sweet head.

    Please, for me, do try and eat sensibly you two. I don’t want to lose anyone else, I’ve buried enough already.

    Love you guys.

  • Napoleon Cockaparte

    “I was lured back to meat by Doner Kebabs”

    Well, there it is.

  • Swineshead

    I’ve not met her.


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