Daily Archives: April 17, 2007

off colour with bells

I’m not right

I’m feeling disconnected, alienated and removed from everything including the fundamental self. It’s almost impossible to describe and I’m not entirely sure what has triggered this.

I had booze free one last night, ate before 9pm, watched TV, read, even went to bed before midnight, but was dimly aware of feeling a little, well, odd. Obviously I put this down to the lack of wine coupled with an exhausting day in the office (for no reason I hasten to add, there was this general malaise in here) and generally the passage that leads one out of one season to another.

Those weird little trips I described in yesterdays post, I had at least 3 last night, let me try and explain them. I seem to have a bunch over a few days in 4 monthly phases…First off it’s as if I’m trying to remember something in the midst of a rush. A familiar taste comes into my mouth and, in addition to whatever it is I’m trying to recall, I’m also trying to work out what the taste in my mouth is. For maybe 30 seconds this feeling is nothing short of euphoric but as it passes I become nauseous, sometime to the point I think I’m going to puke (on one occasion I did). The whole experience lasts no more than a minute.

Weirdness abounds though. Nothing seems to be right. I had really bizarre dreams last night, none of which I can recall but I know they were weird because when I woke up this morning I was aware that they had been. It was then I was convinced it was Friday and that tomorrow I was off for the weekend to the New Forest for a mate’s stag weekend, yet I’d not packed anything and was unsure as to what to do.

Once I’d established it was indeed Tuesday normality was decimated by how dark it was outside. For the last few weeks it’s been exceptionally bright, on occasion mid-summer warm. Not today, dark skies with a noticeable nip in the air, I should imagine the seasonal average but not what I’m used to as of late. The cycle to work was conducted automatically; I was desperately trying to remember exactly what I had done the previous evening, indeed, the previous day and even the weekend. My memory had all but disappeared, I knew I’d seen my friend (wt) on Saturday but had utterly forgotten what we’d done and I couldn’t recall meeting my bro for our usual Sunday drinks in Clapham.

I came into the office about an hour ago. It was virtually empty and those that had made it in were colleagues I don’t know that well. Even as I sit here now there are only 7 of us sitting in virtual silence. Nothing is happening to break this feeling of disassociation, but everything is conspiring against me to reinforce it.

My apologies to regular readers of this post, hopefully things will have settled down tomorrow but today, I can’t be fucked.

However, I would appreciate it if anyone else is feeling similar to comment.