I don’t feel quite as bad as I did on the 3rd of January 2007 when I suddenly found myself in work after a drug crazed New Years Eve, still well and truly descending from the lofty heights of debauchery and so depressed I’d considered autosarcophagy.
Today isn’t much better, despite the sun shining and the fact I don’t feel as physically ravaged as I did at the beginning of the year, the whole ignition of the work machine following a public holiday is a vicious reminder that one has failed to achieve certain goals and standards arrogantly set out in drinking sessions mid way through university.
For me this is made even more poignant by the enormous struggle to get into fucking university in the first instance following a disastrous secondary school education and subsequent catch-up/part-time work undertaken in order to even qualify for a place on a degree course. All that bastard work, time, effort and personal sacrifice to wind up working in an office.
This state of mind will, needless to say, gradually dissolve as the week progresses and the routine of ‘work’ re-installs itself into my system but it’s a bloody affront as I sit here now with a mild hangover and compromised freedom.
After yesterday’s blog my mate from up the road and I met my bro in the pub. We had a few pints and chatted about movies but all too soon it was time to face the reality of today and I was home with plenty of time to cook roast chicken and veg out in the flat. The knowledge that we had to work today took the edge off our meeting in the pub, it was almost as if we wanted to go our separate ways just to face the inevitable. There is some consolation in the fact that I’m not suffering alone in this post public holiday crap but certainly not enough to suddenly halt my malaise. Really, somewhere inside knows ‘it’s not that bad’ but I’ve yet to connect with it.
Looking ahead, the next few weeks are stuffed full of various delights in some form or another, but not looking ahead, looking now, the day is stuffed full of pressure and hideousness.
One other thing, I’ve left my rings at home. I feel strangely emasculated, as if the Horned One has recalled my special powers, and today (or rather, right now) I need all the help I can get. Especially as I’m fucking knackered from waking up so early yesterday and last night Sleep Apnea did a good job on at least 2 bolt upright jobs in the middle of the fucking night.
Having said all of the above, I’m feeling shit.