Daily Archives: April 4, 2007

kids story

Right, here is the story. The teacher thinks it’s okay for the kids, a few longer words had to be edited but all in all, it’s good to go. It’s about 10 minutes long when read out loud (and allowing for ‘Oooh, what do you think that means?’ and ‘no you can’t go to the fucking loo you little cunt’ etc., )

So, sit back, suspend all belief and marvel at the fact that I managed to write more than a few words without fucking swearing.

Bill’s Midnight Feast

“Time to go to bed, Bill” Said his mum.
“Aw mum, just let me finish this level…” Bill moaned.
“No, that’s enough, you’ve school tomorrow and it’s gone eight already.”

Bill threw down the controls of the Playstation, glared at his mum and was just about to storm upstairs when he remembered the large bar of chocolate in the cupboard by the kettle. He could hear his mother in the living room turning off the TV and packing away his games so he darted into the kitchen, opened the cupboard by the kettle, grabbed the large bar of chocolate and making sure he wasn’t seen, nipped upstairs to his bedroom.

‘Nice one,’ thought Bill. He shoved the bar down the side of his bed and went off to clean his teeth. Soon he’d be biting into a lump of sticky, sweet chocolate, what was the point of cleaning his teeth?

Bill got into his pyjamas and got into bed, after his mum had come up and said goodnight he reached down the side of the bed and retrieved his ill-gotten gains. He slid his finger between the paper wrapping that broke open with a crack to reveal a shiny, crinkly layer of silver. Bill snapped a line of cubes from one end, removed the foil and dropped the chocolate into his mouth… He bit into the large lumps that crumbled before melting into a thick goo, he could feel the chocolate trickle over his tongue and dribble down his throat. ‘Wicked’ said Bill quietly, his eyes closed in rapture.

After he swallowed the first mouthful he snapped off another four cubes and greedily ate them. It was so good he was shoving the chocolate into his mouth before he’d even finished his last mouthful, it was like he couldn’t stop. Again and again for nearly 5 whole minutes Bill continued to eat, he ate and ate and ate and…the bar was finished.

As the last mouthful melted away in his mouth he noticed that his greed had been replaced with another feeling. He felt sick. Actually, Bill noticed, he didn’t just feel sick, he felt so sick he thought he actually might be sick! He sat up in bed feeling all hot and bothered until the feeling of nausea subsided. ‘That was close’ thought Bill feeling a tiny bit better. He lay down and after what seemed like an age fell into a restless sleep.

It was the middle of the night when Bill woke up all hot and sweaty. He needed a poo really, really badly. ‘Must be all that chocolate’ Bill groaned. It was as he was getting out of bed to go to the toilet he noticed something wasn’t right. The room was unusually dark; in fact it was so dark he couldn’t see anything at all. Feeling a little bit frightened Bill walked in the direction of his bedroom door treading carefully in case he’d left any of his toys lying around. When he arrived at the door he fumbled about for the handle, ‘how peculiar’ thought Bill, ‘I can’t find it…’

Bill was now very worried, it was dark and he couldn’t get out and he needed a poo so badly he had to cross his legs. As he couldn’t find the door handle Bill pushed hard against the door but it held fast. When he pushed a second time he felt his hands getting sticky. He couldn’t see his hands in the dark so he cautiously raised them towards his nose in an attempt to discover what this strange substance was. They stunk of chocolate. ‘How can that be, how can my door be made of chocolate?!’

Bill thought for a while, what to do. He had to get out and go to the toilet before he had an accident. But how? He thought about the door again, could it really be chocolate? Bill tasted the sticky stuff on his hands, ‘Blow me down!’ thought Bill, ‘it is chocolate!’ How and why this had come to be wasn’t of concern, what was of utmost importance was to get to the toilet! There was only one thing to do…

Bill pushed his face into the funny door and began licking, at first the surface was hard but the more he licked the more the surface became slippery as the chocolate melted on his tongue. In addition to making him feel a bit sick, it made him want a poo even more. ‘What a terrible situation!’ thought Bill as he licked away.

After a few minutes Bill had a made a little dent in the chocolate door, his tongue was already beginning to ache but aware that he was making progress, he persevered. By now he was feeling really sick, each lick made him feel sicker. He let out a little fart, very, very carefully to relieved the pressure in his tummy but within a few seconds it was as bad as it ever was. Bill licked away; the dent in the door was now quite big, maybe enough to poke a finger through? Maybe…

He decided to try, his fingertip made contact with the warm slippery chocolate and he pushed as hard as he could, his finger suddenly shifted forward making a hole, when he pulled it out a shaft of light cut into the darkness of his bedroom. He peered through the hole; he could see the door to the toilet! He tried making the hole bigger with his finger, it worked so long as he used his tongue occasionally to soften the chocolate. Soon the hole was big enough to get two fingers through, then three! Bill began to frantically push and pull at the edges of the hole which crumbled away until finally he could get his arm though the chocolate door.

He reached around outside the door for a handle, as there wasn’t one on the inside he wasn’t expecting to find one on the outside, but then his fingers touched something metallic, could it be? ‘Hurrah!’ said Bill, there was a handle! He pushed it down and the door began to slowly open, his room was flooded with light, his heart pounded in his chest, he was seconds away from the toilet..!


It was Bill’s alarm clock, Bill woke with a start, it was a bright and sunny day…It had all been a dream! Before Bill had time to collect his thoughts his mum walked in where the chocolate door had been, ‘Come on Bill, time to get up, you’ve school’. Bill got dressed still thinking about his dream, it seemed so real, he wondered if he’d dreamt eating the chocolate he stole from the cupboard by the kettle in the first place!

But no, the empty chocolate wrapper was still by the side of his bed; Bill knew that he was going to get in big trouble when his mum found out he’d stolen it. Bill picked up his rucksack and rushed downstairs. He didn’t eat much of his breakfast as his midnight feast was still sitting heavily in his tummy.

Just as he was about to leave for school his mum called him into the kitchen. ‘Oh no’ thought Bill, ‘I’m in big trouble now…’

‘Would you like some chocolate for break-time, Bill’ she said opening the cupboard by the kettle. Bill was just about to confess to his crime when, to his amazement, he saw a full bar of chocolate, the exact same bar he’d eaten the night before!

‘What’s the matter?’ said his mum, ‘you look like you’ve seen a ghost!’

‘Nothing’ said Bill composing himself, ‘…and if you don’t mind, I wont have any chocolate, I don’t think I like chocolate anymore…’ he said remembering his dream and feeling suddenly queasy.

‘You are a funny boy,’ said Bill’s mum ruffling his hair, ‘have a nice day at school’.

[NB. It was here that I upset my friend (with tits) as the original ending went like this. ‘Bill walked out into the sunshine still thinking about his strange dream. Unfortunately he wasn’t concentrating on where he was going and got run over’]

Bill said goodbye and walked out into the sunshine but no sooner had he taken a few steps his mum called after him, ‘you’ve forgotten your sandwiches, silly’ she said.

Bill’s mum handed him his lunch box and closed the door. He unzipped his rucksack and was just about to put the lunch box inside when he noticed something that make the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.

Sitting on top of his book and pencil case he saw something that shouldn’t be there, something that had no business being in his bag. Bill’s jaw dropped, he couldn’t believe his eyes.

In his bag as clear as day was a full bar of chocolate, the exact same bar he’d eaten the night before.

The End