cream crackered

I am in a foul mood. I woke up at 5am this morning, no reason just ‘bing’ and there I was, suddenly conscious, not even dozy just wide awake.

I ignored the half full bladder o’ wee, I’ve learnt that the trip to the loo in the small hours can negate any possible sleep from thereon in, so instead I positioned myself in the ‘most likely position to sleep’ position and waited for the inevitable drowse, the soft lull to gooey, zuzzy land…

That evening I’d been out for a few pints with my mate from up the road who was recovering from a cold, despite coughing an internal organ out of his face midway through the evening. We drank ales at a sensible pace and I returned to my flat feeling just right. I bathed (you should’ve seen me, girls, I was all glistening n’ shit) shaved and flung on my usual slob togs, a large black Motorhead hoodie and pair of black Adidas ‘jogging’ pants, and made sausages with Piqued’s Brocolli Cheese N’ Onion Bake ™ which is a masterpiece and, come to think of it, probably the reason I woke at 5am.

As I shifted around in the sack trying to find the optimum position for repose, I wondered why there were no technical terms for different ways one lies in bed… for example, lying on ones left side with all limbs under the sheets could be a ‘gauche hot arm.’ ‘A flat back double internal’ is lying on ones back with both arms by ones side inside the duvet, ‘a flat back double cool’ would indicate the arms are over the duvet…and so on. So, whilst undertaking a tricky ‘right cool arm’ and employing the ‘classic scissor-leg kick’ I deliberated the possibility of a coffee table book in which celebrities volunteer their favourite sleep positions. Amanda Redmond enjoys a ‘gauche cool arm with a hot scissor-leg kick’ Callum Best digs his ‘front crunch double hot with a 180 head roll’…you get the picture. Oh ™.

Either way, such conjecture didn’t help me slide into slumber, so I lay there, ignoring the breaking of dawn, the first twitterings of birdsong and my ever-expanding bladder. The last time I noticed the clock it was 7 fucking 30, at some point between then and 9.15 I drifted back into sleep, failed to hear my alarm and arrived late for work looking like I’d just been dug up.

I’m knackered and cross and mutt and jeff in my right ear to boot. Bollocks